i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone
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Amazon: Based on your purchases we think you’ll love this.
Me: First of all how dare you attack me with this accuracy I need a large please.
I’m gonna tell my kids these were the Avengers
Hmmmmmmm….
I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party.
It was a twerk-place injury.
We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
(during sex)
Her: Make me scream
Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*
I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.
“I think it might be time to cut back on the energy drinks, Elliott.”
Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?
Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.
I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.
You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.
Not sure to be insulted or not, but I cleared out a room of coworkers just by announcing
“I have a plan, trust me”
If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.
[1987]
Me: Tell me my future.
Psychic: You’ll have a phone that costs $800.
M: So I’m rich?
P: *a laugh escapes from her nostrils* Nope.
A couple walks toward me with their dog, a Briard. Of course they want me to ask about the dog. I pretend I don’t speak English.
Police: How did they break in?
Me: I have a fake garden rock w/a key inside.
Police: They found it?
Me: They threw it through the window.
Cab driver earlier asked if I minded listening to some traditional French music. It was lovely until his accordion got wrapped around the steering wheel and we went through a fence.
[the ’4 Horsemen Of The Apocalypse’ descending from heaven]
me: *clapping excitedly* ooooh, horseys’!!!
Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.
Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.
The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.
[Arriving late to work]
Boss: *looks at watch* fourth day this week
Me: also known as Thursday, Jerry
dad: what should we name him
mom: something beautiful
dad: something unique
mom: any ideas
dad: matt
mom: ok
Gandhi would go on fasts for weeks and remain peaceful. I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
What do I “do for fun”? I’m an adult. It’s a good day if nothing breaks in my house, I don’t need Ibuprofen, and my favorite laundry detergent goes on sale.
This day in history. 1965. The Who’s equipment van was stolen while they were inside the Battersea Dogs Home choosing a dog to guard their van.