My neighbor broke up w her bf and piled all his stuff on the curb and I just added a boxspring to it bc I’ve been meaning to get rid of it
I’m very funny when I’m not sobbing hysterically I’ll have you know
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Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.
I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts
When the KFC chicken grease starts haunting your arteries its called Poultry Geist.
Wolverine: [sharpening his claws] so what’s your super power?
Me: I am good at rearranging letters to form new words
Wine lover: [taking a sip of merlot] I’ll drink to that
Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.
How to annoy your children:
Me: Don’t come in here without knocking
M: Who is it?
C: It’s me!
M: Go away
Don’t pee on my head and tell me it’s raining, buddy!
(In fact please don’t pee on my head and tell me anything, this was just a metaphor but still)
school sucks 2/10 stars would not recommend