I’m a feminist until it’s time to choose workout music.
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My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal
DOCTOR: “You sit down too much.”
ME: “I understand.”
DOCTOR: “Exactly.”
I love you to the refrigerator and back
If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems
I wish Play-Doh tasted as good as it smells.
I wish I would remember that it doesn’t.
Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal lifeToday:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.
Boss: This is the 3rd time I’ve seen you slacking off today. Do you know what that means?
Me: You want me to move the couch into my office?
[Bar]
HER: I want to have sex so badlyME: [trying to impress her] I am so bad at sex
I looked at bright side once and it gave me the finger.
Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend’s younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.
You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it
Pandas 🐼🖤
tarot card reader: so that’s 3 death cards
me: but that means change or rebirth, right?
tarot card reader: *pulling out another death card* no
i’ve purchased a pair of men’s shorts and i discovered that not only do they have incredible pockets sometimes there are other secret pockets inside the regular pockets and lord am i furious
My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.
Does she really think I am going to let her leave?
I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.
Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me
I would like to confirm to the 14yo me that the best thing about being an adult is going to bed when you want.
I’ll omit the bit about it being 7:30pm.
Drunk at 20: “I’m going to call my ex.”
Drunk at 30: “I’m going to tweet my MP.”
Spider-Man: Hey. Are you okay?
Thor: It’s just not my day.
Spider-Man: Well it is Thursday though.
Thor:
God: take the worst of his personality.
Angel: okay.
God: then take the worst of her personality.
Angel: got it.
God: now mix them all together.
Angel: what do you want to call this mess?
God: call it a kid.
Jan 1st: Avocado on whole grain toast with a protein shake
Jan 20th: Syrup comes from a tree so technically it’s a vegetable
A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do
New medication warning label says not to take in the presence of two or more goats.
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents
The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.
HER: (touching my chest) What a fascinating tattoo…
ME: Thanks. I was carrying a squid and a porcupine, and I tripped.
Some Olympians have been training since they were 5.
I’m hoping my 6yo comes home from summer camp today with 2 shoes on.