@minkpinkustink

I’m very funny when I’m not sobbing hysterically I’ll have you know

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@lisaxy424

My neighbor broke up w her bf and piled all his stuff on the curb and I just added a boxspring to it bc I’ve been meaning to get rid of it

@juanadog

Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.

@JimmerThatisAll

I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.

@jonnysun

[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts

@hero_ofthenight

When the KFC chicken grease starts haunting your arteries its called Poultry Geist.

@KalvinMacleod

Wolverine: [sharpening his claws] so what’s your super power?

Me: I am good at rearranging letters to form new words

Wine lover: [taking a sip of merlot] I’ll drink to that

@JasonLastname

Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.

@dafloydsta

How to annoy your children:

Me: Don’t come in here without knocking

Child: Ok

*leaves* *knocks*

M: Who is it?

C: It’s me!

M: Go away

@EllaZee5

Don’t pee on my head and tell me it’s raining, buddy!

(In fact please don’t pee on my head and tell me anything, this was just a metaphor but still)