I’m very funny when I’m not sobbing hysterically I’ll have you know

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My neighbor broke up w her bf and piled all his stuff on the curb and I just added a boxspring to it bc I’ve been meaning to get rid of it


Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.


I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.


[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts


When the KFC chicken grease starts haunting your arteries its called Poultry Geist.


Wolverine: [sharpening his claws] so what’s your super power?

Me: I am good at rearranging letters to form new words

Wine lover: [taking a sip of merlot] I’ll drink to that


Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.


How to annoy your children:

Me: Don’t come in here without knocking

Child: Ok

*leaves* *knocks*

M: Who is it?

C: It’s me!

M: Go away


Don’t pee on my head and tell me it’s raining, buddy!

(In fact please don’t pee on my head and tell me anything, this was just a metaphor but still)