Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Once upon a time I could complete a sentence and then I had kids. The end.

‘You have a PhD!’ I whisper encouragingly to myself as I creep, terrified, towards the spider [I don’t, but the spider doesn’t know this]

Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?

Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.

[Wedding Day]

FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!

ME: it’s always today, janet

If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe

If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.

Sorry I’m late. I sneezed while my mascara was still wet.

babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before

My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.

The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.

As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.

Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.

Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.

My 4yo told me to hold her baby as she walked away with her dad. My 4yo left me in a restaurant alone with a fake baby in my arms. I should’ve put the the baby down, but I didn’t. I just held it like a real baby. Why? Idk why. Parenthood is wild.

[Back To the Future, 2018]

Marty’s dad: She texted me back! What do I say??

Marty: I got it. Lemme see…*sends SpongeBob gif and immediatly starts disappearing*

ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.

ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?

Me: *trying to handle work crisis before I’m fully awake, phone binging with apology texts from various people*

Person on phone: I’m so sorry this landed in your lap. I missed it. They missed it. We all missed it. Now it’s your problem and…Are you…did you just…growl at me?

It’s summer. We’re young. Let’s sneak into someone else’s pool and skinnydip. If we get caught, we stab them and assume their identities.

same energy

Alright pregnant ladies-this is YOUR BIG DAY!!!!!!

#LaborDay

Nothing says “I love you mom” like my 6yo asking me who gets my iPad when I die.

[Inspecting car]

*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”

I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.

no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden

I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.

Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.

Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there

My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.

twitter: Canadians are so nice

Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap

i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing

Changed my ex’s name in my phone contacts because hearing Siri say, “Your lack of self respect is calling,” while I’m driving is hilarious every single time

if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you “where’s the fire” you can just make up an address. they don’t have a list of current fires.