I’m very jealous of people who can take selfies with their dogs. My dog is like OH BOY WE ARE SITTING TOGETHER I LOVE YOU LICK FACE FOREVER
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{emergency evacuation}
Police:For the last time you need to leave your house now!
Me:*frantically packing my Golden Girls DVD box set* ok ok
Not a single parenting book prepared me for questions like, “Did oranges get their name from the color or did the color get its name from oranges?”
7: so dolls weren’t invented when you were a kid either right mom?
me: for the last time it was just the INTERNET
Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?
*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*
Sugar in the bloodstream, I’m the world’s problem now.
Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.
Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.
Mom: how’s therapy
Me: ok. my anxiety is better
Mom: great
Me: yeah
Mom:
Me:
Mom: so did u get the article I sent u about the flesh eating b
Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.
me: which suit should I wear
her: I like both
[later]
her: how did the interview go
me: he asked why I wear two suits
her: what are you watching?
me: film about misconceptions of ownership and land rights of wetlands under an absolute monarchy
her:
me:
her: are you describing sh—
me: yeah it’s shrek again
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*
Our Alexa flashes every time we get an Amazon delivery, which is why there are 200 teens at the door thinking we’re throwing a rave.
No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.
stranger: you’re gunna look stupid with all those tattoos when you’re 80
me: listen pal, everyone looks stupid when they’re 80
I just googled “jokes to tell right before you die” and if that doesn’t tell you what kind of person I am, I don’t know what does.
Dear rock bands,
If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.
Are all the non essential oils out of work now?
Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.
If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.
Wizard of Oz: The good news is I can give you a human heart
Tin Man: Then what’s the bad news
Wizard of Oz: We’re gonna need an umanhay acrificesay *side nodding at Dorothy*
me: [eating tapeworms] I’m just getting hungrier
*dancing with the stars*
*all of a sudden there’s a fault in our stars*
me(to stars): what the hell guys? we practiced this!
*star wars*
Hubby got all smug when our son asked him for girl advice so I confirmed that if he wants to bag a girl like me then daddy’s the man for the job and shut that shit down
[pinned down by sniper fire]
Squad leader: I’m going in. Hughes, lay down some cover for me
Me [putting a blanket on the floor]: you betcha
3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.
Toy Story (1995) – A cowboy & a deluded astronaut battle over who gets to sleep with a 6-year-old boy.
Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.
Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.