Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[GOP Debate]

MODERATOR: this question is for Senator Cruz. How will you handle zodiackillersayswhat?

CRUZ: what?

MODERATOR: I knew it!

cow: where does milk come from?
me: *laughs*
cow: *laughs*
farmer: *laughs*
milk man: *laughs*
everyone: *laughs*
cow: but no, seriously.

It’s only a tidal wave when it’s headed toward you, if it’s headed away that’s a toodle wave.

Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.

Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.

[College admissions office]

“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”

ME: that’s wack

Me: ugh. The radio these days is full of bad news. Burglary over there, stabbing over here. Just turn it off please
Arresting officer: no

A first date is probably the best time to show off your wicked hand puppet skills.

Little known trivia:

If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.

LIFE HACK: If a public restroom is locked, violently yank the door handle over and over like a gorilla and never accept that it’s occupied

(gets pulled over)

wife: be nice.

cop: do you have any drugs?

me: yeah man help yourself.

A super funny prank would be if someone snuck into my driveway in the middle of the night and washed my car lmao. I would be so owned it would be hilarious

me [putting sons toy together] I don’t think *looks at instructions* *looks at box* Yeah, buddy, it’s not supposed to be on fire like that

if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine

[doctor’s office]
Me: My eye hurts.
Doctor: Okay. But first let’s have you step up on this scale so we can see how fat you are.

business 101 classes:
– touching base
– getting on the same page
– drilling down

business 201 classes:
– circling back
– leveraging
– running it up the flagpole

business 301 classes:
– using your rich dad’s connections

I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.

Me: I’m on a totally liquid diet

Friend: slim fast?

Me: wine

Son, we don’t play Hungry Hungry Hippos for “fun.” We play it to learn how friends turn on each other in moments of desperation and scarcity

It’s my 23rd wedding anniversary today and my husband decided to share a picture of us where I’m standing at Cape Spear at 5am, swollen faced, no make up, not even smiling. He, however, looks great and I’m glad for him because the last anniversary post should be the best.

Time heals everything 🙂

Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish

Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT

Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.

my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated

To keep track of us all in the 50’s mom just hung us up on the clothes line.

I have no idea what she’s talking about.

You don’t wanna break into the zoo and steal a penguin, you don’t wanna wait in the car while *I* break into the zoo, so maybe you should just plan the date.

y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf

9 out of 10 archaeologists agree, the 10th one should not have uttered incantations to unlock the cursed bonds holding that Sumerian daemon

Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.