I’m very loyal to whatever brand is on sale
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Alexa turn off the planet
judas: honestly jesus is the coolest dude ever i hope he lives forever
jesus: worst movie ive ever seen? Space Jam
judas: yo what the f
i love corporate logic because a company will fire an entire newsroom full of award-winning journalists to spare the $500k salary of a guy in a corner office whose title is like Senior Vice President of Bad Decision-Making
I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.
We’re limited only by our imagination and like three or four federal agencies.
doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
me: please
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…
My neighbor is power washing his driveway for the third day in a row so to make him stop I’m sending over a marriage counselor.
No, I was not playing with myself during the zoom meeting. I was petting my dog
How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.
What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn’t eat whole rotisserie chickens?
Hell hath no fury like a sports bra being applied to a just showered but not 100% dry body.
Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say “Over there.”
One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…
You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids
I’m going to throw up in my cat’s bed and see how she likes it
Husband: Why can’t you ever be serious?
Me: *olives on all my fingers* Because olive you
Wife: Honey! Dan is here!
Me: Dan from work? Or Dan who changes all his swears into bunny-related PG cusses?
Dan: That’s right jack rabbits, Dan is all up in this motherthumper!
Nothing ends a debate like an Asian mom carrying a wooden spoon.
My teen is about to do some work experience set up by her 6th form college. The idea is to match students with jobs that reflect their skills/interests. My girl is deep into the arts – she loves music, art, photography, making stuff.
Her allocated job? Gravestone maintenance
As a teen, I always imagined being an adult and saying things to my kids like, “Shut up, Beavis,” or “Stimpy, you idiot!”
But I can’t.
Not because I’m a good mom, but because they wouldn’t get the reference. And that really hurts.
cop: COME OUT WITH UR HANDS UP
me: NEVER
cop: THIS IS UR LAST CHANCE
me: YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE
cop:
me:
cop: WE HAVE PUPPIES OUT HERE
me: FOR REAL THIS TIME?
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.
Dang you got a good deal on your tattoo and the squirrel’s so realistic. What? A portrait of your Mom? Dude I wish my Mom was a squirrel.
These baby cardinals are thugs. They muscle all the other birds away from the feeder. I saw one put out a cigarette in a blue jay’s eye.
No one is going to sit in their death bed and think, “I wish I put in more hours at the office”
They’re going to think, “I wish I had corrected more people’s grammar on the internet”
Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway
I hate it when pretentious people try to use big words to make themselves appear photosynthesis.
Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.
Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They’d be like “did you get my text?” and you could just be like “I can’t read.”