I’m very loyal to whatever brand is on sale
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WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same
Genuinely no idea what to expect here.
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Salad kits are great when you want to pretend you are trying to be healthy but also don’t have the energy to go outside and chop cabbages off of your cabbage tree and summon the Ranch God.
No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.
We’re currently showing our home & still living there.
My husband hid the popcorn maker in the oven to make the kitchen look “cleaner.”
I preheated the oven to make dinner.
We’re going to be arguing about this for awhile.
*tucks napkin into my shirt*
This meal could get messy.
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[a more realistic remake of Paranormal Activity 3]
Boyfriend: ok so I want to capture this ghost stuff and put a camera in your daughters’ bedro—
Real mother: get out.
[credits roll]
There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”
– i got you these to show you how i feel about you.
– but i’m allergic to flowers.
– i know…![]()
A werewolf is chasing you. Your life flashes before your eyes: crappy jobs, breakups, Ren fairs. The werewolf gets depressed and goes home.
I love to watch the look of panic on my husband’s face when I pull a pair of panties out of my drawer and say, “um, these aren’t mine.”
I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.
Co-worker: How are you today?
Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*
[child gets stuck in claw machine]
Me: [calls husband] “Hi honey, you’re not going to believe this, but I found us a babysitter for this evening.”
Being 5’2”, when I’m going up for a high five, most people just lean in for a handshake.
If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.
ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.
My 17-year-old bought us dinner and now he’s making brownies and we’re about to watch a movie together.
I don’t even care what crime he committed to inspire this good behavior, I just hope they don’t catch him anytime soon.
What’s it called when there’s a bunch of big dry leaves on a darkened path but only one of them comes tumbling towards you.
A rat. A rat is what.
i BuILt a dEViCE sO yOu CAn efFoRTLesSly sEnD PasSIvE agGreSsiVe emAILs liKE tHiS.
Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything
For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.
How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.
Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.
My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.
No one rushes to view your WhatsApp status like people who have their read receipt off.
HEY CALEB- YOUR COW IS INFERTILE AND YOUR SISTER LIKES DANCING.
-Amish trash talk
Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?
He thought he had job security…
I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.
We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.