I’m very loyal to whatever brand is on sale
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Just a friendly reminder!
Elf on the Shelf Log:
Day 1: I hung him from a lamp, oh the hilarity.
Day 6: I think he IS moving at night.
Day 9: He’s in my liquor again.
Day 12: Wife and kids moved out, Jingles thinks it’s for the best.
Day 21: *house burns, sirens wail in the distance.
How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto
Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.
Jokes aside, I hope you don’t get partially eaten by a shark on your vacation.
So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.
my girlfriend has literally 40 browser tabs open on her $170 chromebook. some tabs are like a week old and it’s not even slowing down. it’s astounding. trying to imagine what 1998 me would think of that. he’d be amazed i have a girlfriend
I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.
Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*
Him:When do you get off?
Me: Usually once you go to sleep
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Oh you mean work? 6 o’clock Hun, see you then.
911: whats your emergency Me: Come quick, my son has swallowed a condom*Click 911: whats your emergency Me: It’s ok, found another one.
Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?
I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is
I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.
Happy Alien Day. Did you know aliens do not abduct people, but they’re very fond of socks and Tupperware lids.
I was driving home the other day, when suddenly a group of robbers jumped in and stole everything. They were pirates of the car I be in.
Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend
How old people make use of canes:
10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.
WIFE: please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[later]
THEM: so how did you two meet?
ME: I did NOT buy her on eBay
If you post a handstand photo of yourself at the beach in Uggs you’re automatically entered into an essay contest on why you love your Jetta
Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”
I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…
Unless, of course, I want to buy something.
my kid: cries cause youtube went down and he can’t watch gamer vids
me: chill out omg. The internet isn’t life.
Also me: TWITTER WTF IS THIS RETWEET QUOTE CRAP?!! I CANT LIVE LIKE THIS.
Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?
Me: living
Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.
me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre
Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.
“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”
My dog after a walk in the woods.
