I’m very loyal to whatever brand is on sale
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I just saw a woman outside sitting alone on a bench and staring at nothing and it made me so sad. I wonder what happened to her phone?
Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.
If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?
ME: On the one hand, I have this weird rash. And on the other hand
DATE: ??
ME: It’s on both hands, I should probably see a doctor
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
Have you ever listened fo someone talk for a while and wondered who helps them put their shoes on the right feet?
My sister: can you believe that I’m pregnant again! Must be something in the air
Me: yeah your legs
You don’t need to put “liquid” in front of “diarrhea”. We get it.
Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.
Googling “best laundry hampers 2024” like I’m trying to keep current with the technology
Very funny that the new Batman movies are rated PG-13 but the Penguin HBO series isn’t so in context it just looks like everyone is too polite to curse around Batman
I impose tariffs on my children by taking a bite of each Poptart before I hand it to them, and let me tell you, the markets don’t like it
Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun
Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!
Her: “My baby paints with her food because she’s artistic.”
Me: “That or your baby paints with her food because she’s a goddamn baby.”
If there was a cool Dem gov named Unford, and she picked him, they would by Harris/Unford.
I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.
Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?
We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.
If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!
So Beyonce had a strict diet prepping for Coachella..no dairy, no carbs, no alcohol, no meat, no fish, and no sugar. I know some women with that same diet prepping for a wedding. You are marrying a guy name Dan who eats chicken pot pie at diners, ya’ll can have some bread.
Ancient Man “let’s form a partnership”
Wolves “I dunno. We saw what you do to cows”
Man “Haha, you can trust us” *hides sketch of chihuahua*
Wife: [on phone]
Me: Who are you calling?
Wife: The fire department.
Me: Why?
Wife: I need a permit to light your birthday candles.
My cat slept on the couch last night so I guess that means we’re fighting
The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”
Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day
If you ever see someone drinking straight from a flask in a mall food court… I wouldn’t make eye contact.
How I know this is unimportant.
When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely
[grocery shopping]
“Actually it should be 15 items or FEWER”
I’ll fix that sir [grabs mic] CUSTOMER NEEDS HELP FINDING EXTRA SMALL CONDOMS
Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building
It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.