I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do
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When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.
it’s ok if no one “gets” you; do what’s right for you. avoid people who make you feel bad. entomb your enemy, alive, in a wine cellar. become a lighthouse keeper who guides phantom ships to the underworld. you do you.
I shaved my legs.
Well except for those three knee hairs I always miss.Looking good Larry, Daryl and Daryl.
#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy
What is love?
You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?
You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money
“Please use handrail. Or you know what? Go on, break your neck because you didn’t use the handrail just to spite me.”
-if my mom had been the recorded voice at the airport
me: *pretending to know about vegetables to impress the cashier* corm is one of my favorite yellows
*gingerly taps banana*
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
Take care of yourself, ladies
Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…
Boyfriend: I’m gay.
baby for sale. refuses to wear shoes
[Bat symbol lights up Gotham’s sky]
“Gordon needs me, the city needs me.”
[Robin waving flashlight around]
“Oh wow look they need me too.”
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
Elmer Fudd discusses relationship with Bugs Bunny in revealing new interview. “Pwofessional. Not fwiends…it’s compwicated.”
Interviewer: Your resume lists one of your skills as “planning evil events.” That’s a typo, right? Don’t you mean “live events”?
Me: [slowly rubbing my hands together] If you prefer
Rather alarming headline…
Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
Mmm that smells good. Is it mint?
Are you going to eat it? Please eat it.
No…..don’t throw it away! NO!!
[My dog watching me floss]
I finally learned to stop listening to the voices in my head when they told me to put pineapple on my pizza. Would have been a lot fewer burned buildings had they suggested that sooner.
If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
Me: There is a small tree on fire.
911: Could you describe it?
Me:Picture shrubbery…now picture it engulfed in flames.
If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.
The guy who spelled pneumonia pknew pnothing
[zombie apocalypse]
SURVIVOR: That Chuck E. Cheese looks safe let’s take shelter in it
ME: *banned from all Chuck E. Cheese’s for tongue kissing the animatronic rat* You guys go ahead
wile e. coyote running off a cliff and not falling until he looks down except it’s me stopping for a second mid-sentence to think about what i’m saying