Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.

FITNESS COACH: Have u been reaching your target heart rate each morning

*Flashback to me replacing the snooze button with an airhorn* “yes”

[on the phone]

Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.

CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?

I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.

Mother in law said if she was married to me, she’d poison my wine. I said if I was married to her, I’d drink it.

Closing time, son
“Huh?”
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here
“But I live here Dad”
*Dad stares at me*
Don’t forget your Xbox

All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.

When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars

me: my parents aren’t home

911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw

I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.

nothing is certain but death, taxes, and that if anyone criticizes a billionaire online, a bunch of weird little freaks will emerge from the sewer and jump to his defense for some reason

– So tell me about your date.
– It was ok. He’s a Detective Inspector, currently working undercover in a butcher’s.
– Sounds a bit dull.
– Yeah but there’s more to him than meats DI.

Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch

I got tricked into going for a 10 mile hike for a waterfall that ended up being 2 feet tall. Don’t talk to me.

some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil

[ first day in funeral home ]

me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off

me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it

me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it

Drivers in my town ignore crosswalks. If they had shot the Abbey Road album cover in my town, there would’ve been one or two fewer Beatles.

Her: You’re all sweaty. Where have you been?

*Flash back to an hour long struggle of me trying to separate 2 shopping carts*

Me: The gym.

[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
Oh dang
[grabs chip]
Hold still
[cat starts running away]
I SAID HOLD STILL

“don’t try this at home,” i say to a troop of cub scouts as i demonstrate how to escort an elderly person across the street while carrying a mongoose & a cat who hate each other’s guts

Jim: I’m totally spacing out on a word.
Me: OK
J: What’s that awful thing called…
M: …
J: You wake up with it after you drink?
M: Linda.

I deal with my problems in the order they were received.

Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.

He: did you burn dinner again?

Me: it’s a Flambé.

He: it’s mac and cheese

Me: it’s French mac and cheese!!

Whoever has my voodoo doll, would you please stop making me do the running man dance, i’m at work and it’s causing a scene

Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.

I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire

Did you know that if you say Bloody Mary three times into the bathroom mirror no one will bring you one? Ugh this monastery is weak af

When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them

Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.