I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do
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*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*
I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.
I’m NOT ashamed of my body. I worked hard for athletic build, healthy brown hair, 4 gorgeous legs, strong neck, big wet nose, clip clop feet
[First target practice]
Son: I missed
Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.
Three men are on a boat
They have four cigarettes but nothing to light them with.
So?
So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.
Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around
I’m eating the potato off my 3yr old’s French Fries because he doesn’t like potato, in case you wondered if parenting was right for you
We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.
13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?
Me, knows exactly where it is: No.
A lady just walked into Taco Bell, dumped every hot sauce packet in her bag and left. I should follow her. What’s the rest of her day like?
Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.
Fight for your dreams.
A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away
Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
Me taking notes in a meeting 😅
Me: Sleep time
Brain: Remember in 9th grade when you rhymed “bridges” with “bridges” in a poem & didn’t notice till you were reciting aloud?
how come nobody who hacks celebrities ever does anything funny with it? they just type the n word like that’s comedy gold. You just hacked the CEO of twitter, idiot, you could’ve said something like “I am pleased to announce we are merging with Facebook. More details to follow”
I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.
man I hope machines don’t become sentient robots in my lifetime because my voicemail lady would straight up kick the shit outta me
Now this is how you LinkedIn
i see you kids buying pre-rolled joints and now i understand the pain my grandpa felt when i told him i paid somebody to change my car’s oil
Let’s not forget the true meaning of Thanksgiving, the day Jesus chased all the turkeys out of the Temple.
and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.
I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
Remember folks 😂
Once a year I think about how when my brother and I were 10 and my sister was 3 she ran in the living room waving an empty package laughing manically at us she ate ALL the chocolate and left us none. I looked at the pack it said EX LAX.
Then I heard her stomach rumble.
Cop: Could I have your name?
Me: Well, you could, but it would be an incredible coincidence.
*Send Bail Money*
Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license
ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol
MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!
Obama: The Galaxy Note 7 wasn’t recalled because it was too secure.
Biden: Just let him enjoy my gift, Barack.
