“I’m very proud of my teeth. I’m going to show the humans my teeth. They’ll love them.” —Great White Sharks, probably.
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I already know how it will end…
One of my children will unplug my life support to charge their phone.
Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him
Bought a kazoo to stick in my husband’s mouth when he snores so he can wake himself up in the most annoying way possible
him: there’s been another burglary how do people get into that
me: no idea *putting halloween masks on the kids and handing them bags* let’s start with the rich houses
being an artist is crazy because you’ll have one friend who just won a Tony, one friend who’s finally juuuust making enough to quit their day job & one friend who’s like “so my new side hustle is birthday party clown”
Me: Super size it!
Pharmacist: No.
My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.
I’m peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.
Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!
Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.
I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?
I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.
Me: *tries to sneak a pic of someone but forgets flash is on
Did you just take my picture?
Me: *starts to make thunder noises
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
Instead of calling him a paleontologist, I used to call Ross from Friends a fossil fool lol I was such a hoot in the 90s.
The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
Having watched me install a yard spotlight, the kids are looking at me in what I can only assume is awe, bathed as we all are in the glow of a whole new light.
I must say, I’m as surprised at them at just how quickly the flames have spread, though.
What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”
DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.
Doctor: Your son is lactose intolerant
Me: Oh my god
[later that day]
Me [runs into field and punches a cow]: That’s for inventing milk
JESUS: [picks up bread] this is my body
JESUS: [picks up wine] this is my blood
JESUS: [accidentally picks up his cat] this is my…cat
Positive vibes only, she says from the couch where she watches murder documentaries all day
My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so
I asked my son to take the garbage out and he immediately tried to pick up his brother and boys are fun.
FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit
ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids
FRIEND: no it’s the best
“This is the fourth lot of bacon to go missing this week. It can only mean one thing.”
“What’s that Sarge?”
“Someone’s building a pig.”
Romantic Emotional Stability Level:
I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.
I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.
I had no social life in high school. Even my imaginary best friend had a date for the prom.
Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.
– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill
since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys
