“I’m very proud of my teeth. I’m going to show the humans my teeth. They’ll love them.” —Great White Sharks, probably.
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Coworker: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: *stabs them in the neck with a pen*
2yo: daddy play with me!
Me: okay!!
2yo: *points* sit right here.
Me: okay.
2yo: NO DADDY DON’T SIT THERE!
Me: okay.
2yo: DON’T SAY OKAY!
Me: okayyyyyyy.
yes, sharks can outswim you. but you can outrun sharks. so far in a triathlon you’re square. all comes down to who’s the faster cyclist
I just stared when my neighbor asked if the heavy bag (filled with cat litter) I was carrying out to the trash bin contained body parts.
I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.
me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?
dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.
My body is a temple, please leave pizza and tacos at the altar.
he’s a little confused but he got the spirit
A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun
Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.
People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.
Both seem so much better before you take them home.
Mario: you’re a dinosaur.
Yoshi: ok.
Mario: you can jump really high.
Yoshi: nice.
Mario: you eat things with your long tongue.
Yoshi: makes sense.
Mario: i’m gonna ride you off a cliff.
Yoshi: wait-what?
Mario: don’t worry i’ll jump off before I get hurt.
Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: I’m just saying, it’s a very misleading flyer
BODY BUILDING COMPETITION JUDGE: again, we can only apologise
jfc, the doctor doing my physical just asked if I was “that twitter guy” so I said “yup, I’m the funny twitter guy,” and he responded “I didn’t say funny.” We haven’t even gotten to the awkward part of this appointment yet 🙁
*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”
Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!
inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious
I used to quickly lick the tip of my pencil when writing my poignant thoughts but now I have to eat three or four pencils just to make a grocery list
A Roomba, but to shave my legs.
If you don’t have plans tonight, head to a crowded restaurant, stand up during the meal, and say “She said yes!”. Free applause and dessert. You’re welcome.
Does anyone want a $100 bill? Because I’m giving away $100 bills!
Here, you can have my $100 phone bill… and my $100 grocery bill…. and my $100 insurance bill!
netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever
If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain
“Let’s wake up super early, stand in the freezing cold with mobs of people & harass a cute little groundhog!” ~White people
[long ago]
A: Ok, so let’s mush a tree to pulp and then make flat thingies out of it.
B: Great idea. Write that down.
A: Where?
You can’t rush stupid.
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: why is my neck so long?
God: it’s the only way you could reach the top of the trees.
Giraffe: that makes perfect sense!
[monkey climbs a nearby tree]
Giraffe:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.