I’m very proud that I built my house completely by myself, with no help or prior experience. I often stand outside, hands on hips, just basking in the accomplishment. (Can’t go inside, EXTREMELY unsafe)
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Driving a newer car is like oh weird this one doesn’t have Shake on Highway, maybe they stopped making that feature
The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war
[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”
[inventing mint choc-chip]
me: “people love ice cream right?”
boss: “yes they do”
me: “people love chocolate chips?”
boss: “i hear ya”
me: “know what else people love?”
boss: “hit me”
me: “brushing their teeth”
My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”
“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”
[hosting a party]
Me: *gesturing* Please place your styrofoam dishes here for recycling when you’re finished.
Guest: But that’s the sink. Are you gonna wash them? *laughs*
Me: Do I come to your house and tell you how to recycle, Jan?
I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.
Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”
ME: (dead silent)
ALEXA: I can hear your heartbeat.
Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
I put my phone in “airplane mode” and threw it up into the air. It just fell and now my screen is cracked.
Worst. Transformer. Ever .
If you dated Taylor Swift and had a bad breakup and then she *didn’t* write a song about you, I bet that would hurt even more.
[at Starbucks]
Barista: Coffee?
Me: Yes, a medium please
Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille
*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.
is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?
[sees kid crying in grocery store]
hey little guy
[kneels down to his level]
Can you please move you’re blocking the Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?
Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby
ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now
I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.
Them: Awwww, congrats! Are you about 6 months along?
Me: Nah, just ate a burrito supreme.
Them: I THINK IT’S TWINS!!!
The first thing I’m going to do when my kids move into homes of their own is machine gun fire toothpaste spit all over the faucet and mirror in the bathroom.
Should I call tech support or pray or what
No one
An atheist: I am an atheist btw
My foray into the comic book world was brief after failing to garner any sales of my series “The Banana Face Lady and the Martian Man” to my 4th grade class.
Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.
“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”
