I’m very proud that I built my house completely by myself, with no help or prior experience. I often stand outside, hands on hips, just basking in the accomplishment. (Can’t go inside, EXTREMELY unsafe)
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Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?
I’ve finally found a place that sells peanut butter by the splat
just took the “what’s your social security number?” quiz on facebook
whoever named the grapefruit when there was already a fruit named grape…….incompetent legend. i wish we could hang out
Elton John: 🎵Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday🎵
Me: Jesus Christ, we’re just going bowling.
Think I will donate my body to science so they can all stand over my cadaver and wonder how
“comparison is the thief of joy” well sure if you’re a loser
I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.
If we keep saving daylight, daylight will never learn to save itself.
My toddler told me to open my mouth and close my eyes and then proceeded to eat the surprise herself. She’s clearly ready for adulthood
My guardian angel deserves a raise
Party Tip:
At a 3-year-old’s birthday party, you can piss all over the bathroom. ALL OVER!!!! Nobody will suspect you.
Cop: could you repeat again why you hit him over the head?
Me: I figured a couple of days eating hospital food would make him appreciate my cooking
Oh, you think your kid is cool? My kid just named his new stuffies Ghost and Bones.
ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink
OCTOPUS: Oh hey
*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*
GANG LEADER: do these drugs to prove you’re not a cop
ME: how would that prove i’m not a cop?
GANG LEADER: cause cops hate drugs
ME: nonsense. i’m a cop and i love them ah crap
Him: Sometimes I worry about you.
Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.
Me: I could never be a lawyer. Too many details to remember
Also me: [argument w/bf] I’d like to bring the defendant’s attention to Argument Transcript B: article 5, section 2; subsection 2(c) CLEARLY shows defendant made the waitress laugh, THRICE, at dinner last Saturday night
“Bob’s here”
Bob from work or Bob THE HARBINGER OF DEATH
*an icy wind blows as black clouds consume the sky*
“Bob from work”
*clouds recede*
You totally had me at “I want you” and I was so excited, I completely missed the ” To leave me alone” part….Sorry my bad.
Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks
Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.
Talk to me, like lovers do
Judge: You wanted to approach the bench to say that?
I was bitten by a crow, since then I’ve had the proportionate strength, speed, and agility of a guy who is bleeding from the head a bit
C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.
[first day on the job at a mattress store]
Boss: I don’t think this is working out. You called these pillows headpuffs four times now.
Me: *sighing* I’m just trying to sell your nap trampolines.