Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.

I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.

My daughter keeps exclaiming, “What in tarnation?” when something surprises her. It’s cute but a little like living with a 3rd Grade Yosemite Sam.

My memoir is titled:

“#2 (not a sequel)”

who wants to go expliring

entitled millennials are “quiet nourishing” – taking 20, even 30 minutes out of the middle of the work day to eat food. we interviewed 87 corporate bosses who hate it

An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces

Disney made such a big deal of kissing dead people. I kissed one dead person and now I’m no longer allowed at the morgue

I’m standing in the middle of the party with a bag full of burritos just now realizing B.Y.O.B. was referring to beer.

Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies

I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie

*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matches

Cashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”

*wine
*tampons

When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver

me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape

My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time

Deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (I’m sitting in my living room, he’s a large jug of red juice that bursts through the side of my wall)

Me: I have a case of the Mondays.

Lawyer: that’s not a thing.

Judge: but it should be I’ll allow.

ME: Whoa, these people are hardcore Goths
CORONER: How many times do I have to tell you that they’re corpses, you’re looking at corpses

Me: thanks duckter

Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you

Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’

Everyone’s gangster until they pull a push door.

Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.

Update on my fitness journey: at the farmers’ market my wife handed me a bag of celery and said, “careful, it’s heavy.”

Lady next to me in 50 Shades pulled out her glasses & asked if she missed the good part. I said no, the credits weren’t rolling yet.

Almost nailed it! 😂🤣

If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you

I bought someone’s groceries today and it felt really good… I took a cart that looked like it had what I needed, bought it and left. Saved a lot of time grocery shopping. Amazing feeling.

Me: everything happens for a reason

Her: can I get your number?

Me: I don’t believe in “accidents”

Her: I’ll also need your insurance

ME: I have very bad gas

BRITISH LADY [holding her nose]: omg what

ME: sorry I have very bad petrol

Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.