Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.

Story of my life…..

Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.

Wife: Who gets the raptors?

angel: you died

me: oh no

angel: but at least you lived a good life

me:

angel: helped others

me:

angel: did all u could

me:

angel: *checking clipboard* I’ve got the wrong notes, haven’t I

me: I didn’t wanna interrupt

No mister movie ticket guy that’s not a bag of cheetos in my jacket that’s my enlarged heart for the love of cinema

date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex

[later]

me: *yelling* avada kedavra

Brother?

I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.

Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower at my gym.

I think we should send notes to our bosses like when we were in school seeing if your crush liked you but it’s “will you give me the raise I deserve check yes or no”

Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.

[in front of fire]
DATE: I’m still kinda cold *she looks at my jacket*
ME: Oh! Yeah *I take off jacket & throw it in fire* That oughta do it

[wife drops me at the airport]
Wife: have a safe flight
Me: I have no say in the matter
Wife [already driving off]: die then

The Rainforest Cafe isn’t realistic enough for me. Part of the restaurant should burn down by the time you finish your meal.

Me: It’s time for your nap.
6: I don’t wanna take a nap!!
M: First off, don’t talk back to me. Second, I was talking to me.

As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.

I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.

i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!

When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually

Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click

Small dog owners: My dog chewed on my favorite pair of shoes.

Big dog owners: Yesterday my dog ate a couch.

In the 17th century, villagers would burn down entire neighborhoods to combat diseases such as bubonic plague, typhus, and gluten.

Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.

[hospital]
“The results are in. I’m afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live.”

But does my hair look good?

Told my husband I was thinking about getting a tattoo and asked him if he had any suggestions. He just stared at me and said, “I don’t even know you anymore.”

What a stupid idea for a tattoo.

The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons

Trying to transition into becoming a hat guy but want to make it seem natural so I’m wearing a very tiny hat and will wear a slightly larger one every day until I’m just wearing a normal hat.

murdering your brother and then responding “i don’t know. am i my brother’s keeper?” when god, creator of the universe, asks where your brother is because He lost track of one of the four people on earth is just. wow, they don’t make characters like that anymore.

Octopuses are amazing in that they can squeeze into really tight spaces to hide.

But when I do it, NO ONE is amazed. All I hear is, “Play with us!” from my kids and “STOP hiding under the bed from our kids, YOU ARE NOT an octopus!” from my wife.

[Sigh]