I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?

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Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.


I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.


imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from


Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.


ER Doc: you know you could have avoided these 3rd degree burns by walking away from the explosion at regular speed
Me: did it look cool tho


If you are rude to me & then you have the tenacity to ask me to buy Girl Scout Cookies from your kid-I’ll take 50 boxes of Thin Mints please


My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.


As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?


Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.