Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.
I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?
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I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.
Me: I just heard a noise
imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from
Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.
ER Doc: you know you could have avoided these 3rd degree burns by walking away from the explosion at regular speed
Me: did it look cool tho
If you are rude to me & then you have the tenacity to ask me to buy Girl Scout Cookies from your kid-I’ll take 50 boxes of Thin Mints please
My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.
As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?
Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.