I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?
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[x-ray]
DOCTOR: wow
ME: what
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what
Torturer: you shock him this time
Me: more people have been on the moon than won Takeshi’s Castle
Torturer: no not— wait really
Wait…so I get a million dollars AND I get to punch a baby in the face?
-me when someone asks if I would punch a baby for a million bucks
Pizza Hut Employee: I’m sorry but we don’t deliver bog grass. I’m not even sure what that is.
Moose: [incoherent bellowing]
During my annual gynecologist visit:
Gyno: I’m going to stick this in. You might feel a little pressure.
Me: *giggling* That’s what he said.
Gyno:
Nurse:
Me: Oh shit! Did I say that out loud?
me: *emerging from a ten year coma*
dad: well look who finally got up
Gary born
Gary child
Gary teenager
Gary middle-aged
Gary Oldman
Perfect
An attorney is a lot like a Dominatrix.
You don’t want to be seen with them in public, but they’re handy when you’re in cuffs.
Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like
The person who stole my identity sent me a sympathy card
Having the time of my life slicing vegetables super fast like I’m a chef at a Michelin star restaurant while the uneven mess I’m creating looks back at me in its judgmental misery *chef’s kiss*
time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.
I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.
She told me newspapers are old school.
She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
That fly never stood a chance.
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.
Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant
I accidentally bump into a man.
He yells, “What’s your problem, lady?!”
I stare at him. I do not know which problem he is referring to. I have so many.
Had to explain to my hot guy friend that people are nice to him all the time because he’s hot. Dude thought it was because he was a Pisces
It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?
“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago
@XplodingUnicorn LOOK WHAT ARRIVED TODAY!!! SO EXCITED!!! *Dances in place*.. 😊💃
Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law
Cop: Pull over
Me: you cold bro?
There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”
Driving past a cemetery on a reservation my dad said “you can’t be buried there, do you know why?”
Me: because I’m not Native American?
My dad: no because you’re still alive
*Girl opens Xmas present*
“Why’d you get me carrots and lettuce?”
“Wait but that means-”
*Hamster at home wearing glorious diamond earrings*
Hear me out…
A leaf blower, but for people.