I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?

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hey i know we haven’t talked since high school but we’re celebrating our 10 year friendversary on facebook. what are u up to tonight lol


My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”


GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?

ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills


Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.


BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test

ME: Hold my bong


Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip


Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.


Last week: Plague.
Today: Tornado Watch.
Monday: Frogs. Just watch. It’ll be frogs.


Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.