I’m very sorry, I must inform you, the stupidity has metastasized.
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Went to a Trump rally in New Hampshire this week. Hard to describe the vibe, but “what if the Nazis didn’t care about fitness?” comes close.
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.
Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?
Cabinet installer arrested, charged with counter fitting.
Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’
Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’
There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.
Nurse: Where does it hurt?
Me: *Points to heart*
Nurse: Awwww that is so cute!
Me. *COLLAPSES FROM HEART ATTACK*
Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.
ME: may I speak to the chef please? Today’s repast was magnifiqué
MCDONALD’S CASHIER: what
I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me
Me: *on the TV show “House Hunters”* There’s a house. And there’s one. Ok there’s like 5 right next to each other.
I hate my earbuds.
When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜
One of the cool things they don’t tell you about your thirties is you can hurt your neck by turning to look at something, which is wild because that is neck’s main job.
barista: do you just want the 2 cookies and one brownie
me: thank you for the word ‘just’
WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?
JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?
What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I’d like to see the wine list?
So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.
Yesterday I wrote an email to a customer named Trish where I apologized profusely, took ownership of our mistakes, and explained we would do anything to correct the situation. I averted disaster two seconds before I sent it when I saw my typo in the first two words, “Dear Trash,”
As I get older, I remember all of the people I lost along the way…
Maybe a career as a tour guide wasn’t the right choice.
boss: your drug test came back clean
me: then my dealer’s got some explaining to do
boss: what
me: what
If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??
A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches
Me: *explains math problem*
Tween: I don’t understand.
Me: *explains the exact same way except more aggravated*
God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.
Finally got the “Josh Duggar is good” neck tattoo I’ve wanted for years, now let me just read today’s news as I take a large sip of water…
i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy