I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.
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Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
I’d climb the deepest ocean for you.
SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it{two minutes later} ooh baby baby
[I’m the Director of the Pentagon but that kid Skyler from down the street won’t stop bullying me]
ME: *sobbing* stop! stop it!
SKYLER: *using my hands to tap on missile control panels* quit nuking yerself! quit nuking yerself! ahaha
Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.
HIM: Are you mad at me?
ME: No.
HIM: Well you’re playing Sims again and removed the ladder to the pool while an avatar that looks remarkably like me drowns.
ME: So? That’s how you play The Sims.
I think we should hear other voices.
[Deathbed]
Gandalf: *struggling to sit up* Frodo
Frodo: yes Gandalf?
Gandalf: theres something i always wanted to say
Frodo: *tearing up at the thought of being told he is like a son to him* yes?
Gandalf: we- *dying breath* we totally could have rode the eagles the whole way
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.
marvel comics have peaked
Dear diary,
Day 1 (8 AM)
For my own safety, I’ve decided to quarantine myself in my house. I have enough food to last me for six months.
Day 1 (10 AM)
I’ve run out of food.
Me: I just really want to kick this habit
Therapist: You want to kick nuns?
Me: No, it’s just an expression meaning I can’t escape my addiction
Theraprist: Oh, what are you addicted to?
Me: punching nuns
“Well butter my biscuit”
-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment
Clown: [reaching for his nose]
Driving instructor: just use the horn on the steering wheel, please
Someone just called country music ‘farm emo’ and I’m dying
Nobody needed expensive gym memberships in the 70s. They had rotary dial phones.
the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.
When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.
you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.
I’m going to be real with you. my dinners lately are just sort of me throwing things into a pot like a witch in a cartoon
10 just informed me that exercising releases inner-dolphins. If that’s not a reason to exercise, then I don’t know what is.
My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.
The easiest way to burn fat is cremation.
Sometimes nothing goes well. Other times you draw a mustache on a photo as a revenge, and the person on the photo sees it and to your surprise actually grows a mustache because he liked it
Taught a parrot to repeatedly say “WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?” and now I don’t have to talk to my kids until Spring so that’s pretty cool.
Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks
Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.
Be yourself because I’ve already taken Oscar Wilde.
I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts