I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.
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2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa
me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?
Here’s the most important thing to keep in mind when your kid starts kindergarten: picking them up. Yeah…I just got “the call.”
My mom’s Jewish and my dad’s Catholic so they decided to raise me batshit
they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.
Ughh…7 more hours till I can go home. Oh, sorry, my Canadian friends…7 more Kilometers till I can go home. Or is it liters?
So glad I spent $50K on university instead of saving for retirement; I’ll be the most well-read indigent in the VIP area under the overpass.
Daughter: Brings home an A+ on her presentation…
Son: Brings home 3 different hoodies he’s left at school…
Husband: Oh wow! Big day for both of you, huh?!
My mom: sure use any towel.
Also my mom: not that one.
It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me
If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.
Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.
Good morning to everyone, especially those who don’t need to turn every tweet into a sexual innuendo, I know it’s hard, very hard.
acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog
Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion
When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail
[consoling a friend after a failure] It’s okay, you can’t get it right every time. I mean, maybe some people can, but definitely not you.
Be the reason they start searching bags for googly eyes at the entrance to your local zoo
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
wife: please be nice to my sister-in-law.
me: i’ll treat her like my own blood.
sister-in-law: hey guys.
me: [screams and passes out]
[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him
[on my deathbed]
me: a….ah…..
wife: what is it!! what are you trying to say?
me: ah…… alexa…… play despacito
Yup
Me: I feel good
My Brain: [scrolling through intrusive thought rolodex] “yeah ok, hang on”
The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.
In public
4: (loudly) Mummy, I stroked your back hair!
Me: Yes, you stroked THE BACK OF MY HAIR