I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.
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My high school son works at a grocery store and I went through his checkout line with wine. He called a manager for approval.
M: Did you proof her?
S: She’s my mom.
M: OK but she may not be 21.
S: That’s biologically impossible.
M: No it’s not.
*My son is 16.
I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.
I’m no relationship expert but if your partner suddenly starts keeping the bathroom mirrors clean, get your affairs in order
Me: Got my finger stuck in this beer bottle.
Wife: How?!
M: Just help me.
W: Have you tried butter?
M: It’s delicious. Now will you help me?
You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.
Hey i am sexy to you now
Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.
GF: I think I’m gunna start a Twitter account
Me: *whips head around* I’ll help you set it up!
*Grabs GF’s phone and hurls it into the Sun*
guys love flexing “i’m self made” so is amoeba what’s your point
I get told that I’m salty, and my mirror tells me I’m mostly fat, so I guess love me since I’m basically bacon.
Some people can start a task and then just finish it instead of trying to do a hundred things at once like a squirrel on crack
You gotta admit that humans are the ultimate #1 lifeform because we’re essentially half mermaid but we also have legs for kicking and stuff.
You’re sliding into his DMs, I’m sliding under his bed to rob him after he falls asleep. We’re not the same but we can be accomplices if you want and split it 50/50
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
lifeguard pulling me to shore: what
Someone in the office sneezed so instead of saying “bless you” I looked them dead in the eyes and sprayed a can of Lysol.
Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?
zeus: my son hercules has the biggest, muscles of all
poseidon, holding a bucket of shellfish: i seem to have misunderstood the assignment
sometimes I wonder if it’s possible to be TOO happy, then I remember that it’s not possible to be TOO stoned, so the answer is: banana
Just a reminder that your coworkers aren’t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.
“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”
ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?
Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.
boss: why are you so late?
me: why are you so obsessed with me?
Finally watching Michael Bay’s TMNT. Best part so far is a dude answering a Skype call and yelling “How did you get this number?!?”
I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”
I thought a man was in my house.
Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.
Salesperson: Hi ma’am can I help you?
Me: Yes, I am looking for a kitchen table.
Salesperson: Ok, but why are there 4 baskets of laundry behind you?
Me: I have to make sure my laundry fits on it before I buy the table. Duh.