i’m very suspicious about solar panels. they sit outside sunbathing and they. make energy? yet when i do that i just become a big red freckle? something odd is going on here and it makes me uncomfortable
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Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.
It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist
Banana is the quietest snack
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
my relationship with the mailman is pretty toxic. one day he brings me gifts and i love him 😍. the next day he brings me bills and i hate him 🤬. but he always comes back 😌
why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*
amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one
As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.
police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor
Just done a HIIT workout and if anyone sees me trying to do that again just go ahead and hiit me in the face
The British Museum will take anything but jokes.
Just got rid of cable and now I can afford a mansion.
Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.
LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG
*Opens twitter*
*Sees Polio is trending*
*Closes twitter*
I’m at the airport and apparently, someone has designed and built a plane that’s invisible.. .
Well… I can’t see that taking off…
I just found my new favorite conspiracy theory …
You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!
Unlike the brain, the stomach alerts you when it’s empty.
Son got a RC drone for Christmas. Used it twice and never touched it again. I’ve become a bit of an expert on it chasing the neighbour’s cat out the garden when he comes for a dump. I can get the drone on and out the window in thirty seconds and chase him across six gardens.
today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore
4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter
Just know that when times get tough and you see two sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when Elmo and Tracy Chapman are carrying you
I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.
Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.