i’m very suspicious about solar panels. they sit outside sunbathing and they. make energy? yet when i do that i just become a big red freckle? something odd is going on here and it makes me uncomfortable
You Might Also Like
Me: What were you and daddy just laughing about?
9: You
Me: What about me?
9: You won’t think its as funny as we do
The part in Temple Of Doom where she reaches in the hole full of bugs, but me reaching into a pot of cold water in the sink to grab a fork.
i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy
“That’s how kids get money. Loose teeth and chores.” -6yo niece schooling 4 on the way the world works
Sometimes when I see a baby wriggling in a highchair, I like to pretend I’m a Bond villain.
“You’ll find escape is quite impossible, Mr. Baby.”
“No. Nope. Absolutely not. Nope. Incorrect. Wrong” – Neil deGrasse Tyson watching A Star is Born
I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.
my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards
me: (in distant background) holy shit.
911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
me: we need to go to the ATM machine
thomas: lol ATM machine. isnt that a bit redundant you idiot
me (thinking about my Automatic Thomas Murdering machine): this is why we need to go to the ATM machine
I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.
Well three can play at that game.
I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.
A horror movie, but it’s just me afraid to go into the kitchen after the kids made cookies by themselves for the first time
Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition
I’m not super into getting older but I do like how nobody asks me to help them move anymore
“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?
it’s the silliest best thing
Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.
*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*
As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.
I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.
What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?
Friend: Let’s go to the game next week
Me: Let me check my calendar
Also me: (yelling into the next room) Honey!
When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”
Less bleeding is good for not being dead.
if you have dark hair you literally can’t get a bob and not look like lord farquaad from shrek. it’s impossible ive tried it so many times.
Kevin Spacey ordering a takeaway coffee from Starbucks and receiving the cup with ‘Kevin E’ written on the side.
“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200
Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
Ok, but like, how married are you?