Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there’s always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies

I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”

i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table

The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.

Human: we have a color named after you!
Salmon: really? is it silvery blue like my outsides?
Human: no, uh–
Salmon: wait why is it pink?
Human: …
Salmon: WHY IS IT PINK

*arriving home as my house burns down*

Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.

Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.

My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.

🎶we are never ever ever getting back together

– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine

To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now

Me: when is your birthday

Her: March 1st

Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?

People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”

i’m so old i’m almost back in style

The perfect job for me would be the person staining things for detergent commercials.

Just found out that the old guy at the gym who laughs at all my jokes doesn’t actually speak English.

Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?

Me: With adjectives.

when you’re a gargoyle but also afraid of heights

(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school

I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.

I want a “refrigerataur.” Half horse, half refrigerator. I could ride it AND eat from it which is just plain sensible we are in a recession.

LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer

[Pulling brother’s life support plug]
*whispers in ear*
“This is for that time you cheated at Monopoly.”

My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.

went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”

the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things

The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo

Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.

Motherhood is like being a fireman putting out fires but everyone is shouting out how you’re doing it wrong and criticizing your sweatpants.

me: would you like beans?

3: no

me, trying to instill manners: no…what?

3: no beans

Home Alone would’ve been over in like 20 minutes if they were able to text.

Nephew: Do you like Minecraft?

Me: [trying to seem cool] I am interested in how mines are built, yes.