Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have eaten
a roll
of toilet
paper

and cut open
all of
my kitchen
appliances

forgive me
I really thought
they were
cakes

Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
Me: *runs*

I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.

Carp we hit an iceberg!
What am I herring? This scampi true!
Whale I squid you not
Oh cod I can’t die
Waterboat me? You’re so shellfish

Fin

Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.

what I say: WE RIDE AT DAWN

what I mean: Let’s meet at noonish for brunch and a nature walk

Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?

“HELP! Frankenstein’s attacking me!”

911: Frankenstein? Or Frankenstein’s *monster*?

“AAAH he ripped my arm off”

911: Which one did, sir

Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.

[static]

MC: THE SITUATION IS ESCALATING RAPIDLY

My husband is extra efficient.

He leaves cabinets open for next time.

Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?

Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.

Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?

Friend w/o kids: I’m planning a meditation retreat next month.

Me: One of my kids has been shaking a metal tin full of coins FOR AN HOUR.

Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.

Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.

I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now

I love when the IRS asks if I’ve lived in a state of emergency or disaster area in the tax year like every year hasn’t been a state of emergency or disaster area.

*boyfriend and girlfriend in shower*

Girl: do bad things to me babe

Boy: *flicks shampoo in her eyes and trips her over*

Me: I won’t be in due to a VOLCANO
Boss: ..we live, in Florida..?
Me: IRRELEVANT
Boss:
Me: *opens 3rd bottle of vodka, puts on arm floaties*

By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.

Joseph Smith, 1833

hacker: ready?

weapons guy: I was born ready

[25 years earlier]

doctor: it’s a boy!

midwife: where did he get nunchucks

Ex-wife died in a car wreck yesterday. Didn’t send flowers, thought might be weird to the family. That and didnt know other drivers address.

Dr “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”
Patient “Good”
Dr “You have 6 months to live”
P “What’s the bad news!?”
Dr “…in dog years”

Customer: Why do you own a hot dog stand when you draw and write?

Me: Wanna buy my book?

Them: No.

Me: That’s why I own a hot dog stand.

[screaming into the void]

MARCO

Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.

Pretty sure we domesticated dogs first and were like yes this is amazing let’s do another one, then we domesticated cats and were like yes that’s quite enough I think