Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My greatest fear is that I’ll somehow get involved in a rumble between two rival gangs and my ability to snap fingers on cue will fail me

Aries: The pain in your back is your skeleton trying to get away from the most annoying person in the world.

I’m still pissed that “kill them with kindness” caught on quicker than my “incapacitate, maim and set them on fire with affection.”

9yo: Dad, how come you’re so good at Mario Kart but so bad at driving your car?

Me: Go to your room.

*walks into Babies R Us*
Hi I’d like to buy a baby.
“Sir we don’t-”
*I slide him a 100 dollar bill*
“This way please.”

Back in biblical times they had omelette takeaway restaurants. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.

At my age, you check a friend’s FB page to make sure they’re still alive before wishing them a happy birthday.

We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.

Despite being terrified of alligators, I’ve taken a job at the Florida Everglades just so I can tell people I’ve been swamped at work all week.

This is my daughter Amaranth, my son Sorghum, and our dog Millet. Sorry if the photo is a little — grainy.

Boom! Zing! This is free content!

One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.

Genie: You have three wishes.

Me: First, I would like a time machine.

*travels back in time a few minutes now owning a time machine*

Genie: You have three wishes.

Eve: Wrong hole!

Adam: Sorry, it’s my first time. How do U know it’s the wrong hole? No one has done this before, it’s just us two you know

DAD: when your grandpa died we planted that tree so we don’t forget him

ME: cool

[later]

TREE: You still remember grandpa chuck?

ME: yeah

TREE: cool just checkin

You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.

Best mom ever 😂

Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.

WebMD: In the morgue.

Him: How much do you love me?

Me: A bit more than pizza.

Him:

Me: But not as much as coffee.

[dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption – “woof, woof, woof.”
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*

Why is no one talking about this?!

[first day as a tampon designer]

Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.

I hate when I’m typing away, expecting autocorrect to have my back, and I look down and just see awjdbdmkskanxksnakdbd

Dear predictive text,

I am tired of sending people “Thanksgiving” when they send me a recipe or directions.

I got halfway through writing an email to a company letting them know that their bag of trailmix didn’t contain any of the chocolate chips advertised on the bag before remembering that I have two kids.

Me: I like the funny horse cartoon

Bojack: you inherit your parents’ trauma but you will never fully understand it

Me: haha the cops a cat

As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it

Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again

I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.

iPhone X

Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks