I’m voting [cheers] for a third party candidate [boos] in a blue state [mixed response] in the chalamet lookalike contest [quizzical looks]
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Aisle 3: oh my god hi!
Aisle 5: haha hi
Aisle 9: yeah hello…
Aisle 10: [little smile]
Aisle 13: I swear to god I will cut you if I see your face again-Death spiral of a friendship when you keep running into them at Target
Therapist: So why are you guys here?
Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.
Him: This is our first date?
I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids
if u see a BEAR in the woods PLAY DEAD. it will be good PRACTICE for when u are ACTUALLY dead in a few SECONDS
The guy in front of me at the supermarket paid with a check
Not to be outdone, I tried to pay with some turquoise beads and an otter pelt
It’s so funny when someone writes a song to try to get someone to have sex with them. That’s what a bird would do!
WIFE: You can’t tell kids they’re grounded anymore
ME: Why not?
W: They weren’t our kids
M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?
The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old.
So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.
Being a mother you are always prepared for the unexpected but nothing can prepare you for the strength you will need when your son’s voice begins to change and you have to keep a straight face.
That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.
*Writes a song for you*
*Sings it under your bedroom window*
*You call the cops*
*Your husband falls in love with me*
closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad
i don’t give parenting advice bc i don’t have kids but i was at an engagement party once where a toddler was walking around drinking a bud light and i had to step in bc craft beers taste better.
[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea
Make new friends? bro out of what?
FUN PRANK:
Bump into Kanye in public, pretend you don’t recognize him, and say
“EXCUSE ME ORDINARY CITIZEN”
Then watch how mad he gets.
Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?
*gives Twitter a coloring book & some crayons so it will stop asking me questions*
It’s a dad joke because the corniness is readily a parent.
My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.
“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.
Spiders are all like, “I’m gonna build my home right above this dude’s head.”
Eating an expensive steak is good and all but have you ever ordered wings at a classy restaurant, love the look on the waiter’s face.
“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
Most people don’t know this, but a canine that practices medicine is called a Dogter.
Damn … History Channel 😀
#archaeohistories
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
I love hard, but I stupid harder.
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.