Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭

I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.

*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.

The baby’s trying to eat the poinsettia again

Well, maybe we should get rid of it

The plant? But we just got it

. . .Haha yeah, the plant

My friend is mad at me because I saw her using a huge tablet to make a call so I offered her a gas cylinder to light her cigarette..

I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.

artificial flowers are properly known as “flower decoys”; learn some flower calls, then use the decoys to attract and kill real flowers

When he really likes something I’m eating or drinking my 3yo will say “let’s pretend it’s mine now!” which is just a really cute way to steal my shit.

[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.

God: Build an ark
Noah: For?
God: Animals and shit I dunno

[earlier]
Devil: Bet you can’t trick someone into building an ark
God: Game on.

everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have

What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?

Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.

If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.

When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.

“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand

A man said to a woman on tv that she’s ”candy for the eyes” and immediately my stupid mind made a stupid joke that all the candy I ever consumed was instead ”candy for the thighs”, and then I thought tweet it, girl, tweet it real good! You’re welcome.

Remembering when I was in 7th grade and my bestie and I realized our grandpas both fought in WW2 and we were like “omg were they besties too?? 🥹🥹” and then I told my mom and she was like “honey……..Noelle is German”

News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.

You should be able to make your GPS call you a code name.
“Bobcat, in 3.1 miles turn left”
“Recalculating, Bobcat, you’re going rogue.”

10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”

8: “That’s not a real year.”

Noah’s Ark was so unrealistic. Have you ever tried to pen up velociraptors? Did the guy who wrote the Bible even watch Jurassic Park first?

Still laughing about that one year my wife sold her legs to buy me gloves for Christmas, and I sold my hands to buy her pants.

Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.

God: you’re a jellyfish.

Jellyfish: nice.

God: you have no bones.

Jellyfish: ok.

God: and no brain.

Jellyfish: oh.

God: you’re like 95% water and 5% venom.

Jellyfish:

God: you’re H2OhNo lol.

I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.

I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin

Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.

[first day as a microbiologist]

me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this

boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT