I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules
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I’ve discovered that books are not donuts.
If you make a donut & someone buys it & likes it, they may buy another donut tomorrow.
If you write a book & someone buys it & likes it, they will not buy another copy the next day.
This is the flaw of books or the advantage of donuts
When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”
accidentally vacuumed up my air guitar
me *dead*: at least I don’t have to pay student loans
*Gets e-mail* We see your living status has changed. Click to update your loan info.
what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”
Child: Hey tomorrow are we still go-
Me: Canceled.
Child: What about-
Me: Postponed.
Child: Well can we-
Me: It’s closed to the public for the rest of the month.
Child:
Me:
Child: This is gonna be a loooong couple of weeks for you.
At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
[emailing eHarmony match]
Her: describe yourself
Me: brown hair, kinda stalky
Her: lol you mean stocky
Me [through her bedroom window]: No
Wakes up at 6:30. Quietly makes coffee and takes dog outside. Sits down with phone and vows not to waste entire day on Twitter.
… 5 minutes later
wife: supper’s ready!!
me, one hour into the “no solid food for three weeks” thinkin about pizza
*Breaks glass to steal Mona Lisa*
You crazy? Security will hear us
Security: HEY, WHAT’S GOING ON UP THERE?
NOTHING
Security: ALRIGHT
Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.
Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment
[Dog Court]
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury: We find the defendant, not a good boy.*dogs family in courtroom begins to cry*
#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..
I spelt ‘necessities’ correctly in one go, and now i am not sure if i have improved or AC is broken!?!
ME: baby, I want to turn eucalyptYOU & eucalyptME into eucalyptUS
HER: you don’t flirt much, do you?
ME: I do not
accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off
Coffee can’t solve all of my problems, but it can reduce the criminal charges for the future.
beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”
Job interview with the NSA
Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!
[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.
“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.
-911 what’s your emergency?
-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.
How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together
I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.
Oh…wrong toilets.
If You Give an Alligator a Corpse is my favorite children’s book about how one little snack leads to an exotic pet addiction and a life on the run.
First rule of flight club…no penguins.