Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.

What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.

My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.

A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.

The moderator on this ‘brainstorming’ conference call emphasized that there were “no dumb ideas,” a claim soundly disproven within the first few minutes of the discussion.

Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.

My hairdresser might not be a therapist, but he is a captive audience.

[chiropractor]
Dr., your client Tony is here
-Tony? The guy whose skin is made of bubble wrap
Yes
-Oh hell yes clear the rest of my schedule

Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?

caveman inventor: i just invented the wheel
caveman opinion writer: here’s how the wheel is a bad idea for mankind

them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz

Friend: Are you on social media?

Me, panicked: What’s a Twitter? Never heard of it. Nice foot clothes you’re wearing today.

ME: You see that guy with the half horse body standing in the middle of that crowd?

FRIEND: Ugh. Yes… Let me guess, they’re the *centaur* of attention?!

ME: No. He keeps shitting everywhere and no one says anything

does anyone in IT care to admit that when someone submits a help request you quietly fix the problem behind the scenes and then tell them to try something super obvious so they look like an idiot?

Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope

Doctor: stethoscope

Hey kids, for Halloween, let’s go to a spooooky place full of scaaaary, oppressive people & a guy who riiiises from the dead!

Kids: Church?

I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.

Bread:
-Good
-Tasty
-Has not yelled at me
-Is bread
-Can be eaten
-Might sing (unconfirmed)
-Only contains more bread within (confirmed)
-Does not treat me differently just because I am not bread
-Has never attacked me
-Is not something bad like falling over or never eating bread

If this whole existence thing is just a dream, I’d rate it a Rotten Tomatoes 47%: the scenes are haphazardly thrown together, the story drags, the villains are boring and stupid and there’s not enough nudity

God I hate condescending assholes!

(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)

We should be able to pick our zodiac sign, like choosing your piece in Monopoly: “Nope I’m not playing today unless I can be the crab or the lion”

We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex

“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”

If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind

The game has officially changed 😎

Hi, I’m your car’s radio. I’ll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I’ll play your favorite song.

Coworker: I didn’t know you dip.

Me: *Puting a pinch of shredded cheese in my lip like chewing tabacco* Ugh, no. What a disgusting habit.

Me: *enters Manager’s office wearing a pheasant face mask*

Manager: *sighs* “You know full well what I meant when I said that you needed your game face on for the meeting today”

SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE WEATHER REPORTERS RISKING LIFE & LIMB SO WE CAN ALL KNOW WHAT A 130MPH HURRICANE LOOKS LIKE IN THE DARK!

ARE YOU READY FOR TACOOO TUESDAAYYYY?

— my kid on a Saturday