I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules
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Have kids so when they do the dishes there’s still a sink full of dirty dishes.
IRL
I was Today Years Old when I find out Labelle are singing “Creole Lady Marmalade” NOT “Be your Lady Marmalade”.
Always be yourself.
Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!
God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.
Her: do you have protection?
MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes
Marriage is the leading cause of Irreconcilable Differences.
Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.
incredible text to wake up to
*eats only grass-fed donuts
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
[At Justice League headquarters]
Batman: Alright, everyone. Rent’s due. I have my share, obviously. Hows everyone else paying?
Superman: [signs over a paycheck from The Daily Planet]
The Flash: [runs to the ATM]
Aquaman: [dumps a pile of fish on the table]
Batman: WTF dude
Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
*6, wailing, carrying on*
Me: You can be a dramatic little bi…llion stars, strung together, shining brightly.
9, to his sister: That’s not at all what Mom wanted to say.
I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.
PAL: Do you think the Cowboys will beat the Giants?
ME: There is no way
PAL: Why?
ME: Giants are very large and cowboys are just regular sized people
My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*
HER: (touching my chest) What a fascinating tattoo…
ME: Thanks. I was carrying a squid and a porcupine, and I tripped.
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
I like to move it.
But not move it move it.
Just the one move it.
[GOD INVENTING THE ELEPHANT]
Give that cow a vacuum.
PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.
Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.
Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler
I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”
[January 1, 0000]
Joseph: wtf just happened to the calendar?
Mary: so weird
I’m tired of “working hard” and “trying my best.” I want to be a raccoon who just found a whole container of chow mein in a trash can
I want a hallmark movie where the city girl goes home to save the family business, and realizes her hometown and her high school sweetheart still suck after all these years
someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really