I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.
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Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.
A lady just told me that the theatrical release of “Cats!” is what caused the pandemic, and I want to argue, but I can’t.
Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?
Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.
My couch doubles up as a bed, a work station, a cheeto hiding place…. it’s like the other furniture isn’t even trying!
If we run out of candy, I’m passing out Taco Bell sauce packets. Don’t worry, they’re mild or I would’ve eaten them by now.
boss: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: HAHAHA[later]
cw: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: literally never talk to me gary
I love when young people try to insult me and say ‘It’s way past your bedtime old man’. Bro, it’s not an insult, it’s a reminder.
“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
12 years ago i adopted a highway. today is the day we have the talk. im not a highway son, but you are and i want you to be proud of that.
Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.
Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.
Of course I’m English.
I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.
As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
I’m a gentleman, so I when I see a woman about to open a door, I sprint up and tackle her back, so a man can open it for her.
I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.
[late to work]
boss: well ??
me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal
3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god
a good argument tactic is if the person is eating or drinking something all you have to do is call them whatever they’re eating and or drinking “okay whatever you say dr. pepper” etc.
If Brussels sprouts can be bitter and celebrated, so can I.
If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew
I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.
pineapples would be so much better if they didn’t eat you back.
An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.