Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.

I’m really looking forward to getting a full 8 hours of overthinking in tonight.

I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.

My girlfriend bought a bag from another woman on FB marketplace…she had me go pick it up and I wound up grabbing it from…the other woman’s boyfriend, whom she had dispatched to hand it over

Me: I ran into Bill on the ride home.

Wife: How’s he doing?

Me: 3 cracked ribs, a broken hip & a collapsed lung.

okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw

I drew y’all a little something.

The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys and phone.”

First day of summer vacation so I told my kids to propose a daily chore list and a fair compensation system and long story short, I just got home from work and I guess I already owe them $725 and a trip to Disneyland.

There are four main food groups:

1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried

I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.

there are only two portion sizes for mashed potatoes: nowhere near enough (posh restaurants) or far, far too much (literally everyone else)

Cop: *searching my car*
“WHERE IS IT?
I KNOW IT’S HERE!”

Me: *trying to swallow a Nickelback cd*
“IT’S NOT MINE, I SWEAR!”

I love you…

…r dog.

Car commercials are so insane, like hey we’re going to the mountains to chase owls in our kia sorento, alright take it easy penelope.

Things my cat eats: grass
Things my cat shouldn’t eat: grass

Things my cat should eat: cat food
Things my cat doesn’t eat: cat food

Colour of my cat: black and white
Colour of cows: black and white

Synopsis: My cat is a cow

“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”

*shakes tambourine*

“Got any others?”

*shakes tambourine*

“Sounds a lot like the last one”

If A Book Store Never Runs Out Of A Certain Book, Dose That Mean That Nobody Reads It, Or Everybody Reads It

5yo: Daddy, what’s a facial?
Me: Your brother.
5yo: I don’t have a brother!?
Me: Exactly!

If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.

When people ask, “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”, I reply “Yes, we were best friends as children until you murdered my puppy.”

A big storm is coming & everyone’s buying bread, milk, and eggs. Apparently you battle bad weather with French Toast.

“Are u going to the circus?” is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife’s question: “how does my make-up look?”

How to speak Irish…
WHALE
OIL
BEEF
HOOKED

(say it fast)

You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.

Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.

[airport check-in]
Me: I’d like to check this in
Clerk: you’ll have to take that on with u
Me [sighing & picking baby up off counter]: fine

Someone in South Korea accused North Korea of having assassination squads.

That’s a lie.

On an unrelated note, I need that guy’s address.

Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.

My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”

Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”

Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi