Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[1st date]
ME: We should totally go Dutch.
HIM: I wasn’t raised that way.
ME: *sadly looking at my wooden shoes* Okay.

I’ve just seen someone in a twitter thread drama respond

‘I’m not reading all that you parcel’

and why are commonplace words used as insults just so fucking funny and so much more devastating than anything else you could spend ten minutes of your life trying to choose

Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.

Should I call tech support or pray or what

[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.

Ways I am superior to ducks:

1. I can buy my own bread. Don’t need handouts

2. Lower likelihood of a fox eating me and my family

3. Better Penmanship

4. Have my own bank account (I know Scrooge McDuck had a bank account but he was fictional. I’m talking about real ducks ONLY)

Ring = she’s married

Nose ring = she’s married to a bull

Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.

*at psychic reading*

Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time

Me: Ooh you’re good

I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.

my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”

Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.

I’ve joined a 12 step program.

Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.

Introduced a friend to Parks and Rec but told them Rec stands for “Reconnaissance” because spies are trying to infiltrate the parks dept.

They keep saying they can’t tell who the spies are and I just keep going, “I know, right?? They’re really good!”

What do you call an upset reindeer?

Caribou-hoo.

*Ba-dum-tsss

Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?

5-year-old daughter: I don’t like my princess shoes with the heels.

Me: Do they hurt your feet?

5-year-old: I can’t run from zombies.

Funny how in old video games you could just eat a whole turkey or a pizza you found on the street and it would make you better but my doctor specifically told me I had to stop doing that so who’s telling the truth

[the inventor of corn chips]

What if knives were delicious?

☠️☠️☠️

The best part about shopping at Trader Joes is that the cashier reacts to every item they scan like you came up with it and grew it yourself

Easter tip: Tell your kids you hid an egg with $50 in it in the backyard but you don’t remember where. Enjoy a quiet day indoors.

Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories

Me: Maybe you should start counting your days

co-worker: congratulations on getting engaged, do you have a date for the wedding?

me [an idiot]: yes my fiancee.

Groom: I do.

Priest: And..

Me: can you give me a minute? [pulls best friend aside] ok what should I say because I don’t wanna look as though I like him too much and seem needy will I just say lol or make a joke.

Well Officer..we didn’t have a bottle so that dead guy over there..

“Him?”

No the other dead guy..suggested “Spin The .44”..And I WON!

If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed

Kissing: first base
Under shirt stuff: second base
Under pants stuff: third base
Taking two to make a thing go right: Rob Bass

Rare photo of two submarines racing

“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants