@LuvPug

I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours

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@OhNoSheTwitnt

David Duke says Jews aren’t white. Eric Trump says Democrats aren’t people. So I guess today begins my new life as a purple dragon.

@DirtMcTurd

For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes

@ipalatsky

– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!

– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.

@Sorrowscopes

Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.

@Gooooats

People who criticize the year 2016 seem to have forgotten that back in May McDonald’s accidentally gave me a Chicken McNugget with my fries.

@Brentweets

If you can’t handle me at my worst that makes sense and I’m sorry for setting your house on fire.

@rachelle_mandik

this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same

@thenatewolf

Me: I think the coolest sport is horse golf

Guy: do you mean polo?

Me: [realizing he isn’t classy enough to know about horse golf] yes

@Manda_like_wine

What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?