My kids are going to be so disappointed when they figure out peer pressure is a myth and they have to actually pay for drugs in high school.
I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours
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I love how binge watching a tv show is now portrayed as a fun activity instead of an expression of deep emotional turmoil and depression
“Just dashing to the shops”
Woman [showers, washes hair, styles hair, puts on make up, chooses outfit, irons clothes]
Man [grabs car keys]
[as the bride enters the church and heads down the aisle]
ME: *clapping* BRIDE BRIDE BRIDE BRIDE
When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?
This girl won’t stop crying because I told her that selfie filters wear off in 6 months.
I don’t know what’s more embarrassing, accidentally sending nudes to your boss or getting a pay decrease as a result of your nudes.
Judge: Sir, need I remind you that you are under oath?
Goldfish defendant: Yes.
You have to appreciate the microwave when the directions on a frozen meal say, “Cook on High for 2 minutes. Or put it in a conventional oven for five days.”
4-year-old: Can we have Oreos for dinner?
Me: Are you crazy? That’d be terrible for you.
4: Mom’s not home.
Me: *eats Oreos for dinner*