David Duke says Jews aren’t white. Eric Trump says Democrats aren’t people. So I guess today begins my new life as a purple dragon.
I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours
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For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes
If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts
– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!
– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.
Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.
People who criticize the year 2016 seem to have forgotten that back in May McDonald’s accidentally gave me a Chicken McNugget with my fries.
If you can’t handle me at my worst that makes sense and I’m sorry for setting your house on fire.
this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same
Me: I think the coolest sport is horse golf
Guy: do you mean polo?
Me: [realizing he isn’t classy enough to know about horse golf] yes
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?