@LuvPug
@OhNoSheTwitnt
David Duke says Jews aren’t white. Eric Trump says Democrats aren’t people. So I guess today begins my new life as a purple dragon.
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@OhNoSheTwitnt
@DirtMcTurd
For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes
@YourMomsucksTho
If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts
@ipalatsky
– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!
– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.
@Sorrowscopes
Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.
@Gooooats
People who criticize the year 2016 seem to have forgotten that back in May McDonald’s accidentally gave me a Chicken McNugget with my fries.
@Brentweets
If you can’t handle me at my worst that makes sense and I’m sorry for setting your house on fire.
@rachelle_mandik
this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same
@thenatewolf
Me: I think the coolest sport is horse golf
Guy: do you mean polo?
Me: [realizing he isn’t classy enough to know about horse golf] yes
@Manda_like_wine
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?