@LuvPug

I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours

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@ImKevinito

My kids are going to be so disappointed when they figure out peer pressure is a myth and they have to actually pay for drugs in high school.

@mattingebretson

I love how binge watching a tv show is now portrayed as a fun activity instead of an expression of deep emotional turmoil and depression

@Izianikapani

“Just dashing to the shops”

Woman [showers, washes hair, styles hair, puts on make up, chooses outfit, irons clothes]

Man [grabs car keys]

@trojansauce

[as the bride enters the church and heads down the aisle]
ME: *clapping* BRIDE BRIDE BRIDE BRIDE

@AmirTalai

When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?

@Sickayduh

This girl won’t stop crying because I told her that selfie filters wear off in 6 months.

@grmonta

I don’t know what’s more embarrassing, accidentally sending nudes to your boss or getting a pay decrease as a result of your nudes.

@Audenary

Judge: Sir, need I remind you that you are under oath?

Goldfish defendant: Yes.

@curlycomedy

You have to appreciate the microwave when the directions on a frozen meal say, “Cook on High for 2 minutes. Or put it in a conventional oven for five days.”

@XplodingUnicorn

4-year-old: Can we have Oreos for dinner?

Me: Are you crazy? That’d be terrible for you.

4: Mom’s not home.

Me: *eats Oreos for dinner*