I’m waiting in the school parking lot and a grandpa picking up twin preschool girls just yelled at one of them, “GET YOUR HAND OUT OF YOUR PANTS,” and some other little boy in the parking lot jumped like he’d been caught. It’s chaos out there.
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They left us in the waiting room so long at the orthodontist this morning my son formulated a plan for what he would do there in case of earthquakes, tornadoes, hurricanes, fire, kidnappers and zombies
me: *kicking stirrups* go on now git
gynecologist: stop that
Boss: [to coworker] print out that document, and in the meantime-
Me: [from the other end of the office] DID SOMEONE SAY MEAN TIME?!
boss: oh God
Me: [stands up on Barbs desk] your kids are ugly as shit, Barb!
Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog
Only when you have finished cleaning the entire kitchen, will a teenager appear from the basement with a weeks worth of dishes.
Patron: I’ll have the french toast
Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie
Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.
I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.
i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass
The fact that my balcony isn’t facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective
It’s the shortest day. Mind your head.
Make it awkward today by asking people what they did for Valentine’s Day.
When they answer “dinner”, you should say “no…after that”.
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
[aliens talking]
“They call it a sel-fee”
A photograph of oneself?
“Sometimes several”
But why?
“We have one theory”
Go on
“They’re idiots”
her: tell me something you’ve never told anyone else
me: *whispering* i think the owl people are already among us
her: who?
me: holy shit
My wife: hey I’m gonna go get a Brazilian
Me: you can just buy them?
accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would
I don’t know what to say to a woman when she is angry, but it’s definitely not, “Whatever, Pippi Wrongstocking.”
Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button
Today’s workout. 7 x 4 min intervals, 90 min walk. Participated in polar bear swim. Banned from the zoo.
*holds boombox over my head outside your window
Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?
I was working in the yard.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw a snake.
I hit it with a shovel.
I’m happy to report the garden hose is dead
Idea: “Celebrity Price Is Right” where Gwyneth Paltrow guesses that loaves of bread cost $460
Starting my own Mafia! Looking for:
1. About 5-6 oafish goons
2. A “supply guy”
3. Level 4 Mage
4. ????
5. Someone named Tony
I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.
You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom
my 6yo: guys?……can i do anything i want with this brownie?
my husband and i: ………👀
6yo: like eat it with a potato chip?
*synchronized sigh of relief*
shakira sharkira
