I’m waiting in the school parking lot and a grandpa picking up twin preschool girls just yelled at one of them, “GET YOUR HAND OUT OF YOUR PANTS,” and some other little boy in the parking lot jumped like he’d been caught. It’s chaos out there.
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you, an idiot: It’s pronounced worcestershire.
me, an intellectual and foodie: Actually, it’s pronounced worcestershire.
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
Me: *goes for midnight jog*
My boss: *pops out of trash can* RUNNING LATE AGAIN I SEE
[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*
*puts my hair in a ponytail
IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.
GOD: for this to work, I need them to feel love
CUPID: how about I shoot them through the heart with an arrow?
GOD: ur starting to worry me
ME:You wanna come in?
VAMPIRE:Oh, can’t, vampire
M:Unless I invite you
V:Oh…you know about that
M:Yeah, you can-
V:It’s just…I’m super busy…
Doctor: How long have you been in pain?
Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997
Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*
Doctor: What brings you in today?
[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd
I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.
Apple trying to ruin my marriage wtf
Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.
Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?
“Mom, can you make me a snack and bring it upstairs?”
Me: “No! What is this, Denny’s?”
“Mom, Denny’s doesn’t have an upstairs.”
Me: He’s a great baby, just doesn’t really sleep much.
My baby, if he could talk: Whoa whoa whoa! I sleep! As long as you hold me while standing – facing north – sway at an even 37 sways per minute, while Israel Kamakawiwoʻole’s Over the Rainbow plays. Why is this so hard?
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.
Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.
donald trump: ILL HAVE THE SUPER SALAD!
waiter: lol no I said soup OR s-
[assistant sliding $100] just bring him a huge bowl of lettuce
me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?
Lou Bega: *deep breath*
the only bumper sticker ill allow
It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story
I basically have 3 hairstyles…
Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.
I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.
[interview at a clothing store]
be cool, don’t let them know you’re a dog
“so what color is this dress?”
oh you gotta be kidding me
Yes, of course I love French films.
Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?
It’s actually kind of funny that people pay any attention to beauty/skin/diet/fitness influencers who are in their 20’s. Like “what’s your secret??” Being 22. That’s their secret. If the kale salad exfoliation regimen still works after menopause THEN they might be on to something
My coworker used to joke “I’m allergic to most nuts, but not donuts!”. Until Bill brought in peanut butter donuts. He died in the ambulance.
This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean