I’m waiting in the school parking lot and a grandpa picking up twin preschool girls just yelled at one of them, “GET YOUR HAND OUT OF YOUR PANTS,” and some other little boy in the parking lot jumped like he’d been caught. It’s chaos out there.
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therapy: $90/hr
saying “it eez what it eez”: $0
the sun is so successful because it has the perfect bedtime and morning routines
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
riddler: check out aquaman’s new tweet: “on my way to destroy the legion of doom with fam”
lex luthor: you follow aquaman? LOL
others: LOL
Now would be a really inconvenient time to get divorced because I just had a bunch of stuff monogrammed
I had bottomless mimosas yesterday and got way too drunk and just found out I got kicked out a bar called mollys because I asked our bartender four times if she was Molly. Not Molly, if you see this, I’m sorry.
I’m telling you, stress doesn’t give you grey hair. Even after this awful year I don’t have a single grey
I only have 27 hairs left on my head but none of them are grey
If you could go back in time and show a medieval peasant one movie, what would it be?
I would pick Jim Carrey’s classic “The Mask” (1994)
If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed
Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song
Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.
she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring
GYM
Man: “Can you spot me?”
Me: “Sure”
Man: *Throwing down towel* “Invisibility cloak my ass”
I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.
Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun
Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken- what
Me: what
HER: I’m pansexual.
ME: Oh, cool.
*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*
My niece looks like me. She sometimes rolls her eyes or makes faces the way I do. And my brother said he can’t believe he has to grow up with me twice.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
My husband had a coworker who entered his baby in the local fair’s baby competition a while ago and I think they just make up superlatives for all of the babies because his won “sturdiest baby”
Did my cat write this
Flight attendant: “will you perform exit row duties in the event of an emergency?”
Me: “yes”
In my head: “No we’re all gonna die”
wife: Did you work late?
[flashback to me missing my exit because the car in front of me had Shrek on and I wanted to see the ending]
me:Yep
Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…
Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
[mustard company office]
*phone rings*
“Yellow”
therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session