Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You should’ve seen the confused look on my neighbor’s faces when they came downstairs to a fresh pot of coffee this morning.

Salesperson: Hi ma’am can I help you?

Me: Yes, I am looking for a kitchen table.

Salesperson: Ok, but why are there 4 baskets of laundry behind you?

Me: I have to make sure my laundry fits on it before I buy the table. Duh.

i remember as a kid being like “Wow as an adult i’ll be able to buy as much candy as i want whenever i want” which turned out to be completely true and as amazing as i imagined

People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.

If I unfollow you, it’s because of the new follow button or because I don’t like you. Either way I am blaming the new button.

I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.

You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.

[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?

Her: Do me on that counter

*Later in therapy*

Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.

You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.

Medical form: Height?

Me: It depends on whether I’m wearing my hair in a man bun.

Medical form: Sex?

Me: Not since I started wearing my hair in a man bun.

ME: The word “thief” should be spelled “theif” or we should change how it is pronounced to “thigh-ff” but “thief” always seems incorrect.

COP: While I agree with you, you are still extremely under arrest, lol.

Drive thru window: Sorry, did you want fries with that?

My brain: He’s asking because you look like you eat a lot of potatoes

Eccentric Millionaire: I’ve invited you to my private island because I crave the deadliest game…

Me: (nodding) Knife Monopoly

Eccentric Millionaire: I was actually going to hunt you for sport, but now I’m really interested in whatever Knife Monopoly is

mom: you’re grounded

me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me

[20 years later]

amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm

HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-

ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.

Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.

Never seen a man cry like that before.

Me: I don’t get it. I’ve been watching this show for three hours and I still don’t know which one Boba Fett is

Wife: That’s the Olympics

She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza

me: absolute shit technique

murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?

The opening ceremony for our ribbon repair business was pretty confusing.

“Paper beats rock, Charles!”

me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it’s frogs

boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right

Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.

[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months

Next time you’re on a date and someone asks “Is that your boyfriend or your brother?” smile really creepy and whisper “Both”.

[Job Interview]

Boss: What’s your biggest weakness?

Me: *pulls laminated card out & hands it to him*

Card: “My over-preparedness.”

when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm.

HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?

Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!

Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.

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