Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Everyone at Schrödinger’s funeral looking at his coffin

Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.

Best sidewalk sandwich board ad I’ve ever seen.

I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.

I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.

[Facebook post]
Wife: Decorating with the fam and listening to holiday music #blessed

[real life]
Wife: QUIT THROWING THE GODDAMN ORNAMENTS AT YOUR BROTHER

Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned

Dad: [sighing as he reviews my math homework] it’s sined and you should’ve used tangent

Welcome to marriage. He had a dream I made salmon pot roast and woke me up just to tell me how terrible it was.

If you’re ever wondering what to do in an uncomfortable situation, just think “What would teenage me do?”
And then do the opposite of that.

Ghost of Caesar: and what of my legacy? what now bares my name? Buildings? Mountains?
Me:uhh remember how you used to love romaine lettuce?

If I opened an Italian restaurant, I’d describe my lasagne as ‘Just like mama used to make’ because my mum couldn’t cook and neither can I.

こいつ天才

murder is like cilantro. you either love it or it tastes like soap.

somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day

my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy

Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.

What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?

Why do authors subtitle their books, “A Novel”. Did someone look at their book one day and say “I thought this was a sandwich?”

Baby wood ducks hurl themselves 60’ from nests in tree cavities a day after they hatch but sure son, I can bring your laundry downstairs

Today I ate vegetable lasagna… I don’t wanna talk about it.

I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.

Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :

I’m going to start walking around in my yard all day in a bathrobe so my neighbors will build that privacy fence I always wanted.

twitter is a journey

If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.

Made a deal with my wife a few months back that if was if she was still pregnant come #Halloween, she’d dress up as Bob Wylie. She lost… and all of Twitter has now won. #Browns

Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.

daughter: daddy! daddy! did you see how high i jumped?

me [eyes closed, blind folded, 3000 leagues under the sea in a deprivation chamber]: yes, wow that was so amazing!!!!

A kitchen sponge is a better environment for growing bacteria than a petri dish.

The Blob: Bakery Beginning!