I’m waiting to board my flight at the airport and I just saw a woman finish her book, stand up and angrily throw it in the bin.
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I’m in an aspiring artist Facebook group, and everyone shares paintings they’ve done of their kids but not usually the reference photos. Which is great, but I can’t tell if the kid’s just ugly or if the painter needs more practice.
Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.
Hubs: *Climbing ladder to put baby bird back in nest* [at my request]
*Falls off ladder*
Me: Oh my God, is the bird okay?
Wife: *angry; flings wine onto “dinner guest”; storms out of room
Me: *consoles visibly upset raccoon
Oh I’m heartbroken over you
Wait, no I was just thirsty, I’m fine
Them: What is your favorite thing to go hiking with?
Me: My car.
[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
Me: 🙂
Facial recognition: nope, don’t see it
Me: 😐
Facial recognition: noooo?
Me: 🤨
Facial recognition: no
Me: 😒
Facial recognition: mayyybe??? nvm, no
Me: 🥴
Facial recognition: THERE YOU ARE
HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?
me: [picking my nose]
surgeon: great choice
Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”
Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.
Three primary reasons I lift weights:
1. Vanity
2. Health
3. Lifting any dog breed into the air like a little baby
Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?
My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.
Here’s the most important thing to keep in mind when your kid starts kindergarten: picking them up. Yeah…I just got “the call.”
my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…
Wife: Please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[Later]
Them: So how did you two meet?
Me: I did NOT buy her on eBay
The billionaire who’s hunting me for sport is mad because I’m not trying. I’m running in slow motion making Chariots of Fire noises
WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.
WIFE: It’s either me or th-
ME: He has name
WIFE: OR the goose.
ME: Say it.
WIFE:…
ME: Say his name.
WIFE:…
ME: Why won’t you love Tom Honks
I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.
The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.
I’ll call it a smartphone the day I yell “where’s my smartphone?” And it yells
” Down here in the couch cushions”
I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.
It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.
Me: [drinks SlimFast]
Me: [takes off shirt]
Me: [drinks SlimFaster]
pony: is this your card?
me: yes! cool trick!
pony: thanks
me: can you do any others?
pony: *sighs* no
[Boss hands me 12 pages of complaints about my smart-ass remarks]
Me: so I guess the whole “we’re going paperless” rules dont apply to you?