I’m walking more to lose weight in order to help my knees feel better. Walking more is making my knees sore.
The moral of the story?
Don’t have knees.
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Nothing gets my Batman voice going quite like seeing my kid put a third pair of socks into the hamper before noon.
“Weltengesichtpfeifenschuldigung” is the German word for “accepting as a fact something you’ve just been told without bothering to check”.
Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.
*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*
If a kid yells “MOM” in a crowded store, a dozen women will spin around to look. If a kid yells “DAD,” a dozen guys will duck & hide.
me: i’d love* to go to your neighborhood block** party, Carol, sign me up***
*hate
**gossip
***i’d rather eat worms
losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild
Whatever snack my kid doesn’t finish in her lunchbox, I just leave in there.
By Friday, she’s got a Golden Corral style buffet.
I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.
Who called it asking the waiter about the specials and not retrieving data from the server
Every morning when I leave the house, I’m run over by the same kid on a bike.
It’s a vicious cycle.
Me: Do I get naked now or at the end? I’ve never done this before and I’m really nervous.
Priest: For the love of god, just kiss the bride.
[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no
*dents another car while parking*
*leaves note under windshield wiper*
“Material possessions are ephemeral and evanescent. Move on. I know I have.”
Week days: I can’t wait to spend time with the kids this weekend. A movie night sounds amazing!
Weekend: Stop fighting and pick a movie! Why is there popcorn all over the floor?! WHAT DID I JUST SIT IN?! IS IT MONDAY YET?!
“All of everything is about balance,” she says juggling three chainsaws, five flaming bowling balls, & a chicken named Englebert.
Arachnophobia is stupid I mean why are we all terrified of a bug that knits all day?
Who called it a “period tracker” and not a flow chart?
doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day
*couple walking through the house they just bought*
Husband: Hey, honey, there’s an attic!
Wife: Really?
H: *peering into attic with a flashlight* There’s dust everywhere, except on that creepy Victorian doll staring at me.
*later*
Friend: Is there an attic?
Husband: No.
giddy up Office Depot
And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”
Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*
[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer
nurse: how do you rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza
Renovated the kids bathroom and installed a bathroom ventilation fan with a Bluetooth speaker. Now I just need to find the perfect creepy audio of a ghost screeching “Get Out!” for when they take too long in the shower.
god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again
When I’m mad at my kids I like to sing the wrong lyrics to the music as I rage clean just to piss them off. That way we can all be mad at each other.