Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.

me: I’m going to the store to get bread

wife: if they have eggs, buy a dozen

[later]

wife: did they have eggs?

me: *carrying 12 loaves of bread* yes

Me: I can’t sleep

My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now

Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.

I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.

“What’s wrong with our country?”

OBAMA!

“Who are we going to reelect in 2012?”

OBAMA!

I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.

Last night my 4yo said a prayer for all the people in the world including “Africa, Asia and Syrup.” From now on, I will be referring to Europe only as Syrup.

Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.

Oh no. My girlfriend sold her hair to buy me a pocket watch chain and I also bought myself a pocket watch chain.

police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long

me: i thought we were doing a silly one

I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.

Since we don’t get one single trick or treater in my neighborhood, I’ll just get 5 large bags of candy.

Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids

Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward

same vibe as tangled headphones

coworker: you are so lucky that you don’t have kids

me: that’s not luck that’s on purpose

Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.

Does your life really flash before your eyes or is it just your brain closing all open tabs one last time

In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.

6: Dad, let’s make a deal. Let me be in charge of everything, and I’ll let you have 10 coffees a day, also you can have…

Me: Sold!

There’s a mom at the school pickup with a shirt that says “I don’t always whoomp, but when I do, there it is.” I think I love her

This is my brand.

I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s

If I had a dollar for every time I messed something up at work, I’d be salaried and at my current level of compensation

PSA: If you end your meeting early, you let the people go. you don’t say “lets use this extra time to chat and catch up”. i don’t want to, kevin. i want to not be here.

Writing tip: Read all your writing aloud to yourself, having first made a pentagram on the floor in salt. A demon should form in the pentagram. Give him your manuscript and tell him the name of your preferred publisher.

Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it

When someone tailgates me I let them know I’m angry and watching them, by putting the rear wipers on full speed

What did one ocean say to the other?

Nothing, it just waved.

Sea what I did there?

I’m shore you did.

Laugh, you son of a beach!

hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this

me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that