I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.
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WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
Car names fall into two groups: those that basically say, “I’m pissed off with traffic jams so I’m gonna blow out of here and head off by myself down a dirt road.”
…And those that say “I’m elegant, civilized, and artistic.”
this will hang in the louvre one day
My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm
I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.
me: what are you going to be when you grow up?
5: beautiful.
“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”
You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you
“That’s me in a nutshell.”
A peanut’s photo album.
Good luck finding a wedding photo better than this
Airbnb’s should be required to tell you their wifi password before you book because I’m second guessing this place based on “fluffycream350”.
Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.
I think the 2 yr old is ready to watch Texas Chainsaw Massacre
*halfway through watching the movie ‘the sting’, i finally lean over to my wife & whisper* if i don’t see any bees in this movie in the next five minutes i’m going to bed
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.
OMG you guys!! I have abs
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…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.
[me holding a door]
PRETTY GIRL: [over her shoulder] thanks.
ME: sorry, i’m married, but in time you’ll get over me.
Type out “My best quality is” and then let predictive text finish it! I’ll start
“My best quality is I am a worthy vessel for the demon lord Paimon who will bring about a new age of darkness. All will suffer his wrath and despair” haha so random
That took me a moment.
10: Mom what’s a metaphor?
Me: My life is a train wreck.
10: I know Mom, but what is a metaphor?
I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”
News: There are aliens in Miami
Internet: meh
News: Okay well how about More Epstein clients?
Internet: *yawns*
News: Jews in a tunnel?
Internet: 🤯 OMG yes! Now you have my attention
Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.
I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.
But hey, Karen got a puppy!
Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.
That was THE best 10 hours of sleep I’ve ever had.
Thanks for asking me to sleep with you!
Huh. You look upset.
Me: I’m nervous about mingling at the party
Wife: Just talk about stuff anyone can relate to[Party]
Me: HI I UNDERSTAND YOU TOO ARE HUMAN
Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!
