I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.
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Do I speak Spanish?
Oui!
Can you imagine if it was normal to say goodbye to everyone in the movie theater? “… have a good one.. enjoyed watching the movie with you..”..
Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min
It’s 1:28 AM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed there’s a rustle as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a Snickers bar.
I just locked eyes with a spider.
But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.
Are you turned on?
Switch I might be!
For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
I get all my indisputable political facts from what my uncle Harold posts on Facebook. Like did u know Obama killed the last living unicorn?
I just said “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary” to the mirror hoping that I’d have someone new to talk to
[At auto store]
Employee: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 tires?
“Sir, you are wildly overestimating my strength.”
James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Therapist: That is how these things usually work.
Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?
me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the confidence of this woman at Starbucks who just pretended to have a dog so she could get a free cup of whipped cream.
I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.
Wife: ugh I can’t remember my dream from last night
Me: I taught the dog karate and how to speak
Wife: what no that wasn’t it
Dog *chops wood in half* wasn’t what
Always be careful when you drink and laugh 🤣
FRIEND FROM COLLEGE: After I sold my tech company, I moved to France where I met my wife, Juliette. We have three beautiful kids and run a bed & breakfast in Paris.
ME: Remember how I used to like creamy peanut butter? Now I like chunky
Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.
I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.
If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.
I know this now.
My dad: what kind of dog is that?
Me: Rhodesian Ridgeback.
Dad: Rhode Island douche bag?
Me: close enough.
Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup
How software testing works
BARTENDER: taste this beer
ME: [tastes it] omg i literally can’t even
BARTENDER: it has pumpkin spice in it
ME: hmm… yeah that explains it
Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.
May you never lose your sense of wonder.
I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
[first date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a snail
Waiter: Would you like some salt?
[flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]