I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them
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No, no, no, you don’t have to engage in a long explanation of why you’re single. We’ve spent five minutes together, I think I’ve got it.
First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.
My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?
Me: So, what are your thoughts?
Therapist: Well, I think you may have some boundary issues.
Me: [In his lap] Are you saying I’m fat?!
Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.
Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.
Everyone on Instagram has pics of them at places all over the world & I’m like here’s another shot of me from a different angle on my sofa
[Job interview]
Him: Do you have any questions?
Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?
People may question my parenting methods, but my kids have made it to 20 and 22 without becoming serial killers. Or, if they have, they’re super good at it. Either way.
A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.
guys PLEEEAAASEEE does anyone have the original pic of this thread it’s been on my mind for 2 days now
I’d explain it to you, but I don鈥檛 have any crayons with me.
BEST FRIEND: Dude I鈥檓 broke!
ME: …
DAUGHTER: I have to sell my house!
ME: …
BROTHER: I have NOTHING, you took it ALL!
ANGEL ON SHOULDER: You should help them.
MONOPOLY GUY ON OTHER SHOULDER: FINISH THEM!
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he always narrates real life-
ME: she complained
WIFE: see!
ME: she exclaimed
WIFE:
ME: she was speechless
No I鈥檓 not feeling old when the first member of my son鈥檚 varsity football team from hs is getting married tonight.
Not feeling old AT ALL!
A police lineup, but you have to recognize your dad鈥檚 sneeze.
Teach your children to beatbox
“Mom, look! Look! Are you watching, Mom?!”
I think something went wrong here?!馃
I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.
You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs
“Today’s special is a grilled Chilean sea bass with white wine reduction. We recommend Instagramming it with the 1977 or Apollo filters…”
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.
kid: dad see i’m dressed as you for halloween
dad: nice buddy *handing suitcase to kid* have fun at work
kid: i didn’t-
dad: *tossing keys* easy on the clutch
I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.
The worst part of working from home is not being able to take office supplies from work anymore, now I just have to shoplift them like an ordinary schmo
I’m deleting all my dating apps cause I’m worried my boyfriend might find out about them
Husband:
#growingpains
