I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them
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I asked when my gym membership was up and the dude said “day before Valentine’s Day” like I’m some genius who knows when Valentine’s Day is.
My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you
A Twitter love story, in 3 parts:
Me: I am so mad that people show so little respect to-
Him: yeah yeah women I know relax I respect women
Me: *was going to say Hufflepuffs* women, right
Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~
Me, “I want a divorce.”
Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you’ll be banned from Walgreens for life?
Got a text from my husband this morning saying that this wasn’t working out and he wanted a divorce! Boy was I relieved when he texted back saying that he sent it to the wrong number.
Old timey ghosts are boring. I want to be haunted by a valley girl with giant hoop earrings.
Hey everybody, I just finished the 30 day yoga challenge and it was easier than I expected. In fact, I bet I could go another 30 days without doing yoga.
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
[date smiles as I pour more wine] it’s like you’re trying to get me drunk for something brent [me selecting 2 players on mortal kombat] haha
Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.
Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
Me: I’d like to get this prescription filled
Pharmacist: This is a recipe for chicken marsala
Me: What time should I pick that up?
Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.
When can I start eating bats again.
“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs
The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.
Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”
Sometimes I think my crossfit instructor is a truly great guy who is helping us improve ourselves and sometimes I think he’s a sadist who conned us into giving him money to do burpees
horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!
Normal adult questions:
– who, what, when, where, why, howNormal 3 year old questions:
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
one bad part of this whole thing is having had to explain to my 6 year old how if the easter bunny tries to come into our house i’ll have to kill it
Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving
Love is for stupid people who don’t have Twitter.
2yo is pecking at her sandwich like a bird with her hands behind her back and I’m gonna let her because I’m done with parenting this week.
Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision
Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
Sleep is the body’s best safety mechanism. It keeps you from screwing things up for 8 hours.