My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company
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*Don’t Walk sign flashes*
Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”
When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.
[concert]
SINGER: How’s everyone feeling tonight???
ME: Whooo, kind of stressed, I’m in standoff with my HOA regarding lawn ornamentation!!!
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
Want to feel old? We’re closer to the summer of 2069 than we are the original year Bryan Adams wrote that song about, the summer ‘69 AD.
I have an admission that will shock some people. It’s not something I’m proud of and I hope I’ll be given a little grace, but I’ll understand if not.
Here goes….
My hips have lied. Like…a lot.
[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”
*falls down*
Mom: What was that?
Me: My shirt fell
Mom: It sounded much heavier than a shirt
Me: I was in it
Them: Yoga is so relaxing, don’t you think?
Me: *thinking about the time I did yoga and my kids started hitting me with whisks and spatulas* Um yeah, sure…
This was the best day of my life
Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?
Jellyfish have no brains yet are capable of learning from past experiences. They will change their behavior to avoid repeating a negative event.
Meanwhile you’re sitting there texting your ex again
My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.
[restaurant]
me: you mind if I go to the bathroom?
date: yeah sure
me: thanks, I prefer to eat in private
[first date]
Me: that is hilarious
Date: …
Me: wait, bread or dead?
Date: how would my parents be bread?
I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.
ME: you said I could have anything I wanted for my last meal
WARDEN [bottom lip trembling]: but my wife made these sandwiches for me
Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!
My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!
I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.
me: turtles stole my pizza today
therapist: interesting
me: they emerged from the sewer like ninjas
therapist [removing mask to reveal shredder]: WHERE WERE THESE TURTLES
Everybody thinks “Free Hugs” signs are cute, unless you’re a boa constrictor.
Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy
Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.
Me: my wife says I catastrophize everything
Therapist: *chuckling* how is she doing?
Me: I don’t know she hasn’t returned my texts for over five minutes I think she’s dead
me: let’s go to bed earlier like responsible adults
brain: great idea[10pm]
me: so do we just like lay here or what
brain: i have no idea
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
“I’ll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja”
You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.