I’m watching a show about a cold case in a place called Townsville, and I’m furious the stupid cops have not asked the Powerpuff Girls for assistance. It’s incompetence is what it is.
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Delighted to report that we have a 100% safety record so far this yea… never mind.
Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.
Mildred’s cat, Mildred, is missing.
On a related note, Mildred named her cat Mildred.
Which is probably why the cat left in the first place.
I don’t watch a lot of UFC fights, but when I do, I like to pause them when someone gets punched or trapped in a weird position, and say, “I bet you’re wondering how I got here”
Found this gold ring today in a garden… just to be safe I should go throw it in a fiery mountain. Gonna need 8 nerds to take a little walk with me, who’s in?
Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.
Friend just told me she got a hair trim for $80. Told her my dog groomer would’ve bathed her, clipped nails & emptied anal glands for less.
I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.
I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.
Me: “daft punk broke up”
My gf: “i didnt know they were dating”
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
[married people conversations]
Wife: babe, what’s the guys name from that movie we watched on Netflix that one time?
Me: Joseph Gordon-Levitt.
Wife: that’s it! thanks!
Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.
*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*
Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.
They found Richard III’s skeleton in a parking lot. Time stamp on the ticket stub indicates he owes $8,432,773.
Age is just a number until your 10yrs younger husband says “your hair today makes you look like Uncle Jesse’s girlfriend” and you think he meant from Dukes of Hazzard but he meant Full House and needless to say he’s now your ex-husband
Hotel staff that insist on turning the toilet paper into a bow.. stop fingering my toilet paper with your dirty hands, Britney.
[restaurant]
DATE: Tell me something naughty about youME [loudly chewing lobster] I haven’t brought any money
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
I need to get some bricks…
Three ways to tell if you’re dating an Octopus:
1. They give awesome hugs
2. They have no skeleton
3. Every date is at the aquarium
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then
[coffee shop]
BARISTA: may i help you?
GUY WHO DEFINITELY LOOKS LIKE A SWARM OF BUTTERLIES IN A TRENCH COAT: you’re out of sugar water
just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping
Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.
teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?
me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–
How come when gods have sex with mortals none of the offspring ends up just being something like a really good accountant?