I’m watching a show about a cold case in a place called Townsville, and I’m furious the stupid cops have not asked the Powerpuff Girls for assistance. It’s incompetence is what it is.
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If she’s “one-in-million” there’s 1,344 of her in China.
a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.
I’m just sick of the mixed signals, babe. One second you’re changing your phone number and the next you’re filing a restraining order.
Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice
You gotta admit Wile E. Coyote going through the entire process of making a movie just for it be scrapped as a tax write off is incredibly on brand for him.
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.
If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?
[I walk into my girlfriend’s house where she’s dressed like a cheerleader]: oh sorry you’re watching the game I’ll come back
Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”
Me: I wonder why my lower back hurts
My period: yeah what a mystery
Who needs to watch the #SOTU when I can just read my TL? Here’s what I’ve learned so far: John Boehner is still orange.
been hearing a lot of friends say they’re planning on avoiding the internet tomorrow. not me! it’s gonna be christmas morning for hall of fame bad posts on here. we’re talking takes so bafflingly stupid we can’t even imagine. and i need them all beamed directly into my brain.
I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.
Disappointed a milkshake is just called a milkshake in the UK. I would’ve guessed it was something real perverted like a curd sweetie or lovie cream
[laser tag]
Instructor: Dude, you’re not gonna run out of ammo
Me [strapping bayonet to the end of gun]: let’s just agree to disagree
me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit
Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.
If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too
My toddler just told me I’m the best mummy ever because I “bought the good cheese for once” so I’ll be riding this high until her next tantrum
No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here
me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out
Bring your kids to work day was a huge success. One of the children fixed our server.
I hate how people pile on chiropractors just because they’re fake and dangerous
ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse
COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?
ME: It’s like a big, fast dog
Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.
me: so the wife and I started running the dishwasher in the morning instead of at night and it’s had a real positive impact on our days, for example-
officer writing ticket: i’ll let you go if you just please stop talking
They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”