I’m watching CNN at 4am and there’s a commercial for a pot that’s “big enough to cook a hundred meatballs”
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“I’d like a nice stiff entendre please.”
– Want me to make it a double?
“I’ll just take it as it comes.”
Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. It’s always the same angel. It’s covered in wings now and wants to die but can’t
My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.
Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.
shit, they caught us—run!!!
“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie
*large male nurse rolls chair all the way across room, coming to a stop with his forehead pressed against yours*
SO YOUR CHART SAYS ANXIETY?
I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats
Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
“Please be aware that we are experiencing higher than average call volume”
*connects*
Agent: Hello
Me (whispering): hello
Me, dressed Covid casual at work.
Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”
if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married
Sure, I’m uncomfortable, but only in situations
I need a stunt double for when I’m navigating my way to the bathroom at 2 am.
Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.
If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.
It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.
Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?
I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…
“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”
Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…
Her: what was that about?
Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off
Her: at the zoo tho?
Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.
Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️
I wish there were glasses to protect me from all your blurry eclipse pics.
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.
Smooth Criminal: I use a razor
Smoother Criminal: I get laser treatments
Smoothest Criminal: *it’s just an Asian guy laughing at them both*
I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.
3yo: why do you have to die one day?
Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.
[Watching an educational show]
[3 year-old asks a million questions I have no answer for]
Me: Okay, let’s watch Bugs Bunny instead.
[5 minutes later]
3: Why doesn’t he hop?
Me: ᴰᵃᵐᵐⁱᵗ
Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.
Me: Well this is awkward.