Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.

[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationery

philosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox

me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that

waiter: uhhh you want fries with that

[aliens dissecting humans]

alien surgeon: seems like they feel terrible after they drink alcohol

alien assistant: that’s good, so they never do it

alien surgeon: you’re not gonna beleive this

Today, my 3 year-old yelled at me because I forgot to close the fridge, then reminded me to turn off the kitchen light.

He just needs to fall asleep during a movie and his transformation into me would be complete.

[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.

Overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Twitter than to her….Or at least that’s what I think she said to me.

I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.

There’s safety in numbers.

CDC: Uh, no.

If one ex was drowning and the other was
dangling from a cliff-edge and you had one set of
ropes to save them….where would you hide it?

Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s

Sometimes hanging around with kids makes me feel like a superhero.

“Uncle Denny I can’t open this beer can you help me?”

Haha sure thing kiddo

My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.

“Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?”

Well, Katy, I’m thin, weak, white, and I hurt the environment so I guess that’s a pretty apt simile

*sees locks of hair on floor*

*looks at daughter*

*looks at American Girl doll*

“Oh, thank God, you cut your own hair”

My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.

Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”

12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean

Made a special running playlist that’s nothing but zombie moans & shuffling feet. I’ve lost 20 pounds & can run a 4:30 minute mile.

You, an intellectual: Actually it’s not called “Calvary”, its real name is “Golgotha”.

Me: Weird hill to die on, but okay.

“Now, remember,” I say, waving my tweezers. “You eyebrows aren’t twins; they’re nearly identical cousins trying to outdo each other in order to become executor of their grandfather’s will.”

My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.

I used to be embarrassed when people held my money up in the light to check for fraud but now it’s just another atta girl that my art degree and life of crime is paying off.

I think that next job interview I conduct I’m going to ask the candidate “What is best in life?”

If they don’t answer “To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women,” then hard pass.

i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone

currently into monogamous friendships. if u have Other friends please dont talk to me it hurts my heart

migraine |my-grain|
noun
1 a recurrent severe headache
2 what a farmer shouts in disbelief after a terrible storm destroys his wheat field

8am: plain egg whites

1pm: greek yogurt

6pm: grilled chicken / mixed veggies

12am: every damn snack on earth

My cat swallowed a ball of wool a few months ago and just gave birth to a litter of mittens

Gunman: Put ur hands in the air. Now wave them like you just don’t care. YOU STILL CARE [shoves gun in guys mouth] SHOW SOME UTTER DISREGARD