Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So 10’s school is having PJ day tomorrow and asked the parents who drop off to wear theirs too..

Should I tell them I sleep in the nude or just show up?

I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.

my first real experience with gang violence was the buttercream gang.

History fun fact:

In the Middle Ages, anyone could get a concealed carry permit. You never knew who might have a trebuchet tucked under their coat or a siege tower in their pants. Dangerous times.

the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air

[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby

dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment

Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.

Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.

My wife and I have our calendars synced to both of our phones.

I forgot I have a gynecologist appointment next Thursday.

Under the age of one, babies primarily drink milk, but may supplement their diet with all the crumbs they find on the floor even though you swear you just vacuumed.

My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.

PHARAOH: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.

SUBJECT: should we leave them a note to explain how we did it?

PHARAOH: yes, take this down

SUBJECT: ok

PHARAOH: cat, dog, snake, bird, cat, man with the head of a cat, dog, cat, bird

*me laying on the couch naked & posed as they walk in*

Wife: The note said come to my parents for a ‘quiche’ you idiot.

*Guy tries giving me his phone number*

Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one

People are so nosy. “What’s your name” “who is your primary care physician” “do you have health insurance” mind your beezwax

I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.

There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.

9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week

Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months

date: do you like a little danger?

me: sure do. danger’s my middle name… unfortunately my first name’s stranger. and your mother probably warned you about me

#Caturday

Saw a bumper sticker that said ‘Jesus is the answer.’ Two cars later I saw one that said ‘Who farted?’ Best game of Highway Jeopardy ever.

Instead of asking people to watch my laptop at a café, I just leave an open google search for “how to clean a yeast infection off a laptop”. Never been robbed yet. Still v single.

Friend: If someone broke into my house, my dog would rip them to shreds.

Me: If someone broke into mine, my dog would make a cheese plate and open a nice bottle of wine.

im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together

Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.

Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*

I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.

To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later

Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.

I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.