Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have been lowering the tone for so long now that I am effectively operating solely in infrasound frequencies which can only be heard by whales.

And they are appalled.

Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–

Me: *sprays insect repellent*

Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.

Husband: *belches

Me: Exactly!

Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.

Doctor: “I need to draw some blood.”
Me: “Okay.”
Doctor: “Do you have a red crayon I could borrow?”

Screamed in horror as I woke to find two severed horse heads in my bed, but then laughed remembering I hadn’t removed the one from yesterday

i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach

The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven

My 3yo gave me a hug and said, “here is a flower just for you. I got it from the plastic tree you told me not to touch.”

*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf

“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.

After spending 20 minutes trying to get my girlfriends bra off, I decided to give up.

I wish I’d never put it on in the first place..

What Nasa dont want you to know is those space suits they wear, those are actually bee keepers outfits.
Space is full of bees.
The moon is actually a giant hive, its where we get like 95% of our honey from. Check that moon landing footage again, its not grainy, thats a swarm.

I love when the IRS asks if I’ve lived in a state of emergency or disaster area in the tax year like every year hasn’t been a state of emergency or disaster area.

My home pregnancy test came back negative.

I guess my house is just getting fat.

I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.

Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.

Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.

If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”

Bag of flesh that acts weird when another bag of flesh doesn’t send symbols on glowing screen

I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!

When my son was in grade school the teacher asked the class what they should do if they think there is a fire and he shouted GO TURN THE STOVE OFF DINNER IS READY

Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda

Don’t donate your plasma. It’s a big scam and they’re just using it to make TVs.

my wife and i went furniture shopping this weekend and one couch just shouted “take me home” at us, so we left because nobody needs a talking couch

They say too much sex causes memory loss.
I read this in a medical journal, on Tuesday, December 4th, 1995, at 2:45, in my doctor’s office. The man sitting next to me had dark hair, was wearing a blue shirt, and had a scar on his hand.

I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I’m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.

Me: (after eating 12 fudgesicles)
Ok. Time to get to work.

You: You can actually buy popsicle sticks at any craft store.

Me: Don’t question my art.

*goes to Walgreens for memory pill supplements*

*forgets what they’re called*

I finally wore the shirt my boyfriend bought for me last Christmas and he asked if I was wearing a new shirt and that my friends is what relationships are all about