“But she’s hot and not really that crazy”
~men about to have their bunny boiled
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If you can’t afford anal beads eat marbles and wait
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious
It appears that late last night someone broke into the house and ate all the ice cream in the freezer. I’ve volunteered to lead the investigation but I doubt we’ll ever find the guy who did it
The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
I’m such a great mom. I taught my kids archaeology during quarantine.
I mean, they dug up an opossum skull while they were digging a trench in the backyard unsupervised.
Archaeology.
Dear Abby,
I never thought this would happen to me. Today I met a sexy woman who told me I write letters to the wrong publication.
I should not have taken this before my big rap battle
valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
Me: home is where the heart is.
Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.
*pops kid’s balloon*
*kid cries and runs away*
*picks up kid’s cake*
Husband: wtf is wrong with you?
Me: his piece was bigger!!
Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?
HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
[next day]
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?
Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?
[checking my phone]
“i hope this email finds you being mauled” ha ha what in the heck
[suddenly a bear is in my kitchen]
My wife says the kids look just like their father…
…and if I ever find out who he is, he’s got some explaining to do
I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.
The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants
Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites
[at dog park]
ME: it’s ok, she’s friendly.
THEM: is, is that a crab?
ME: yep. She’s a purebred. Her name is Clawdrey Hepburn. She’s 2.
The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.
Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?
Me: Two.
4-year-old: It was nine.
Teaching her to count was a mistake.
My husband calls me Sugar and my dog’s name is Sugar so when he says, “C’mere Sugar” there’s an awkward stare down between me and the dog.
WIFE: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because I name inanimate objects?
WIFE: no, it’s because you won’t stop wearing that eyepiece
ME: [looking perplexed] why do you hate Monoclewinsky?
Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.
Me, showing up to school the next day:
Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.
Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.