I’m watching ‘Dexter’ for inspiration. Entertainment. I meant entertainment.

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I’m just a MAN standing in front of a DOOR because I thought it was AUTOMATIC


No, PSA, buzzed driving isn’t drunk driving. Buzzed driving gets me home 51 weekends a year, drunk driving gets me home w/a fat chick.


In 1993, I saw a toddler slip on ice and land on a cat, but I didn’t have any social media outlet to tell people about it. So, here it is.


Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…


Sorry I embarrassed you when I tried to draft Smaug, but I totally misunderstood the concept of a Fantasy football league.


I got a job today so I guess I’ll finally be getting paid to tweet.


My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.


I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.