I’m watching Dune at 40 like, “hope that white boy packed sun block.”
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Buddha: all life is suffering
Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes
Me: How are you?
Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?Me: I can and do.
[under heavy sniper fire]
Platoon leader: where’s that sniper fire coming from?
Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it
the nation is so divided we need another Cut essay to bring us together
ME *pulls back from a kiss* This isn’t right. We shouldn’t be doing this. It’s unnatural. You’re a burrito.
I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?
*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.
I’m all for the scientific method.
Right now I’m experimenting to see how much swearing makes other parents stop inviting you to things.
can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way
Dear Santa,
My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.
My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.
My kids are smart but sometimes they say dumb stuff like, “Mom why do you always buy the candy pack with Snickers when you’re the only one who likes them?”
Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard
A policeman stops a car…
Policeman: “Whose car is this, where are you headed and what do you do for a living?”
Miner: “Mine.”
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh sorry, 2 minutes down the road
Squirrels before girls.
Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.
Him: You hit me three times!
I’m your girl in the apocalypse till there’s something that needs to be opened because I have no muscles in my hands 😭😭😭😭
Me: *using a hammer while demonstrating some diy* Now, you never want to use a hammer for this
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities”
judge: how can this be your defense?
me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?
me: but jesus, I noticed that during the most troublesome times of my life there was only one set of footprints
jesus: (takes hit off vape) that was when you were being super sketch bro, like major vibe killer kind of behavior from you
#AddAWomanToASong How Streep is your love.
*Me, accidentally knocking kitchen knife off counter*
My foot: I’LL GET IT
My brain: NO YOU IDIOT
Me: I know it hurts, but you’ll learn to love again.
Sheep: I don’t know. I can’t even look at ewe right now.
WARNING: My kids were in the water all day yesterday.
None of them got out for a bathroom break.
Until further notice, Lake Michigan is CLOSED.
If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.