Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So the US is to send 3000 troops to help combat ebola.

Does anyone else get the feeling they don’t know what ebola is?

There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.

thanks auntie mary

me: what’s the weather today

weatherman: party sunny

me: and tomorrow?

weatherman: partly cloudy

me: what’s the difference

weatherman:

me:

weatherman: *whispers into tie* he knows too much

[a red dot appears on my forehead]

“You know…”

[takes drag of cigarette]

“That energy bar is full of sugar”

[exhales]

[Home Depot]

“Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails”

Clerk: Oh, with a little head?

“Nah, just verbally”

wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife:
me:
wife *lets her in*

I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.

“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.

Miss Pissy Face and Mr Crabby Pants in HR told me I am not allowed to make up nicknames for my co-workers anymore.

I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.

Sometimes when I’m sitting in a swivel chair, I’ll turn around quickly and smile and pretend I’m in the opening credits of a sitcom

“Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.”

[Home Depot staff meeting]

BOSS: Someone has been breaking all the wood. Any idea who it is?

ME: [tightening my green karate belt] Probably someone pretty strong.

[about to climb Mt. Everest]

Me: omg is there no parking ?

At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.

The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.

This is an absolute shit investment.

today I was vaping and a man said “is that good for the baby” so I guess I’m throwing this high waisted dress in the garbage

I need more disguises so Costco doesn’t know I’m eating there for free every day.

Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.

Reintroducing spiders into my friend’s apartment to get rid of her cockroach problem. I’m sure she’ll thank me later.

Sometimes, when I’m doing dishes, I’ll just start flinging them towards the cabinets and get mad when it doesn’t work out like it does in cartoons.

[in bathroom stall]

Me: …

Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall

Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge

People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.

I guess somewhere around the age of 12 it became my turn to go on the computer, and it still is. my turn just didn’t end. more than a decade later I’m still here, on the computer

One time I screamed so hard about a professional athlete not playing through an injury I blew out my back and couldn’t work for a week.

If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.

I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.

Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper

dear parents,

just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence