I’m watching Dune at 40 like, “hope that white boy packed sun block.”
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If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?
The last couple years haven’t been ALL bad. Just look at the repertoire of potato-based coping strategies you’ve developed
What I say: Be ready, we are leaving in five minutes.
What the child hears: Get undressed. Start finger painting. Lose at least one shoe.
I saw nothing
No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.
dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun
Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.
I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago
I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”
Every time I think I’m failing as a parent my daughters are there to agree.
ex: i wish you well
me: i hope you fall into one
Day One living in a Tiny House: Well, isn’t this quaint?
Day Two: Murder
I’m jealous that when an athlete gets injured it makes headlines. I need that kind of attention. “We at ESPN are reporting that Ron stubbed his toe on a table and when he went to look at it he hit his head on the table”
How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.
I called my pet rock Stoney, until one day it flew out the front door and hit a car that ran over my mailbox, now the police call it Evidence.
Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8
(in dog boss’ office)
“Smith, you’re fired.”
Fine. I guess I’ll just WALK out…
(boss’ tail starts wagging)
“Wait Smith get back here”
[at a funeral]
*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*
*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?
I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.
ME: Here she comes.
BRAIN: Great!
ME: Quick, what do I say?
BRAIN: Tell her she’s like a fine wine.
ME: Okay.“YOU’RE LIKE FINE WINE I’D LIKE TO PUT YOU IN A CONTAINER WITH A CORK IN YOUR MOUTH AND KEEP YOU ON A RACK IN MY CELLAR UNTIL I’M READY TO ENJOY YOU”
BRAIN: Excellent.
It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?
Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017
Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂
We cracked the code to potty training our daughter. Spider man underwear. It took her picking out her own Spider-Man underwear to completely potty train herself. She won’t have an accident because she “can’t go potty on Spider-Man”. I can’t believe that’s all it took lol
Guy just got on my flight wearing a t-shirt that reads “Spread cheeks, not hate” and it took me at least a minute to realize the shirt is referring to smiling.
Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?