I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills
You Might Also Like
All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.
My neighbor with a toddler is over here telling me what life is like with one kid like I got my children in a 3-pack.
[watching The Notebook]
Her: Noah wrote Allie a letter every day for a year
Me: I bet each one just said, Hey
Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.
My 7yo son has learnt how important it is to spell properly after I took him to a sweatshop for his birthday, as requested.
The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?
You should always choose B) on multiple choice tests because it looks like a cool sunglasses face. That guy knows what he’s talking about.
me: excuse me sir, what kind of wine is this
sommelier: [pretentious af] it’s merlot
me: excuse me merlot, what kind of wine is this
DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now
Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.
Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally
Me: ok
Boss: like… don’t tho
Oh kids, don’t worry, stories of ghosts and dragons and zombies are all just made up; nobody should actually believe that stuff.
Now go get your shoes on, we’re going to be late for church.
love those YouTube videos that are like “doctor reacts to brutal superhero deaths” because they’re always like “yup you would definitely die if you got decapitated because your body needs a brain to survive. subscribe for more medical facts”
I suspect in a previous life I was either Napoleon or maybe some socks.
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit
My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.
‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.
Today i started stalking guys. Not for any gay reason but it’s so much easier to do. Women always complain, guys don’t suspect a thing.
Please join me in a moment of silence for the wasabi almond that just rolled under my fridge. Godspeed, little buddy. We shall meet again when it’s time to get a new refrigerator and not a moment sooner. Give my best to your new blueberry friends.
Got kicked out of the pool for practicing synchronized swimming because my partner apparently “had no idea who I was or what I was doing.”
Another exciting afternoon in Cheltenham…
Therapist: what would you say to your dad if he were alive today?
Me: sorry for cremating you. I honestly thought you were dead
[interview]
Any questions?
“Why isn’t Bigfoot called Bigfeet?”
No about working here
“Oh! If he worked here would you call him Bigfeet?”
I just post them. I don’t explain them.
Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”
HR reminds us to proof read before sending
Jesus: He who is without sin may cast the first stone
*guy with no legs throws rock*
Jesus: Seriously?
“You said ‘without shins,’ right?”
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
