I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills
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In my neighborhood, when things are left by the curb, they’re free to take.
Officer: “Ma’am please step out of the Amazon truck.”
FINDERS KEEPE *gets tased*
RELATIONSHIP STATUS:
My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful
If aliens came to earth and we explained all our technology to them I think they would get really hung up on helicopters. They would be sending videos of helicopters to their friends on Venus or whatever like “they get into these fr. I’m not kidding”
[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]
Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic
My son didn’t want to get up for school today, so I promised him that if he got up and went to school today, I wouldn’t make him go tomorrow.
We were about halfway to the bus stop when he realized that it’s Friday.
Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.
Hot Panini is in big trouble
What do you call the sexual orientation where you’re attracted to both and men and women but they’re not attracted to you?
Bi-yourself.
Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.
[haunted house]
Me: I’m terrified
Jessica: is it the rattling chairs
Erica: is it the bleeding doors
Sarah: is it the possessed portraits
Kate: is it the shaking coffins
Me: I’ve never spoken to this many girls before
Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.
Heading to the dentist. I hope they’ve all taken their Valium and said their prayers.
Get yourself a man who talks constantly in his sleep. You don’t have to, but I did. Tonight he said “salad salad salad”, then he grabbed me, and continued to sleep.
I assume he meant I’m a delicious life-giving snack, but he may have been suggesting a diet.
Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy
I wish Play-Doh tasted as good as it smells.
I wish I would remember that it doesn’t.
[god creating kangaroos]
Let’s make a horse rabbit.
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…
I was shocked.
finally caved and watched tiger king. shit is bananas. the uncle killed the dad while the kid watched, then the kid ran away and hung out with a warthog and a meerkat for years? then he hallucinated his dad talking to him from the sky? weird
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.
Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m stupid
“He covers himself in baby powder before we have sex”
HOW ELSE DO YOU MAKE A BABY, KAREN?
I wanted to start writing a sewing blog
But I lost my thread
Him: Do you gamble?
Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.
Youth may have many decadent pleasures. But at my age, based on the sounds I make, relieving my bladder is pure euphoria.
Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.
Interviewer: Your resume only has “Mad” under “Skills”
Me: Yeah boyee
Interviewer: *tears up* You’re just what we need. Welcome to Subway.
ME: *Donates my body to science*
SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.