Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Whatcha doing on the PC?
Daughter: Looking at peckers.
M: WHAT?!?
D: Science project on chickens.
M: Oh.
D: You walked RIGHT into that.

nobody sighs louder than an unemployed, debt-free dog who spends at least 16 hours a day sleeping

What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.

“Snowmageddon”? We can do better, Twitter.

#SnowCountryForOldMen
#ISnowWhatYouDidLastWinter
#SnowMommaFromTheTrain
#Snowverfield

My proper Mom said to get fully dressed for a party and then remove one item.

But people always give me odd looks when I don’t wear pants.

No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch

my dream DUI is driving a Saab through the Great British Bake Off tent

Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.

My parents hardly knew who my kindergarten teacher was but my son just found out who his first teacher will be and I can now tell you where she lives and the names of her sisters.

I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.

I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.

My advice for new parents is that when you feed your child their first chicken nugget to go ahead and start preparing your answer to the question “is this chicken like the animal chicken?” cause that moment is coming.

“Dude go make the first move on her!”

“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”

*approaches girl*

“Knight to f3”

Not now. I’m deglazing.

Parenting doesn’t prepare you for the awkward glances you get when a naked Ken doll falls out of your briefcase.

technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things

[Taken Nemo]

*Clam phone rings*

Marliam Neeson: I have a particular set of gills. I don’t know who you are, but I will find Nemo.

Dating someone that actually likes you is wild. Like, what do you mean this person wants me around? And tries to get to know me? And asks what my blood type is? Or if I have both kidneys? Or if I wanna fly out & meet them alone in an abandoned hospital? It’s nice to feel wanted.

Professor X: Being literal is not a superpower

Guy: But-

Wolverine: Look man, just take the L and leave

Guy: *Drives away*

Woverine: Oh no you didnt!

horrifying if literal: the electric slide

I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.

I’ve never protested anything before but dude when I found out that pigs have like 300 nipples bruh, I was mad as hell. I made a sign for my yard about it, you know, and I stopped eating pigs milk man I didn’t touch pigs milk for maybe a month.

Don’t want to get political on here but there’s no such thing as “endless shrimp.” Heads? Tails? Those are two VISIBLE ends THAT WE KNOW OF.

*pets your eyebrows*

there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok

If any of you are going Black Friday shopping this week please try and be a decent human being and turn your phone horizontal before recording any fights.

[product design]

CEO: I want our dry grocery items to have built-in Ziploc closures

me: OK should they be easy to open?

CEO: absolutely not

After taking a bunch of 7-year-olds on a field trip to the Natural History Museum, I realized their favorite exhibit was “Elevator Buttons.”

Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.

Was at a political event recently (not my usual scene), MP was selling raffle tickets to support a potential parliamentary candidate.

I asked him how much they were.

He said “It’s five pound a strip”

I said “Do I get to choose the music?”

Just looked at me then walked off 🤣