I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.
You Might Also Like
Me: how can I prepare for this meeting?
Friend: we can do a mock interview
Me: ok
Friend: why should we hire you
Me: wHy ShOuLd wE HiRe yOu
Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.
“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”
One thing I don’t miss about dining out at restaurants, is the immense pressure I feel when a server pours a little wine in a glass and waits for me to sniff, swirl and sip like I have any idea what the hell I’m actually doing.
bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products
After Michael Jordan joined a religious order, he was known as Air Friar.
my boyfriend has made me vow to not be annoying at the bob dylan concert i don’t want to go to
I will cook for you
-me, threatening
[ IDEA ]
An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up
It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.
Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”
And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”
No Amazon, I don’t want to sort stuff by “Price: High to Low,” who are the billionaires who would even make that an option?
told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she’s coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco
It’s true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there’s an important lesson here…
Don’t have kids.
When I buy a multipack of lip balms, I put one in my purse and scatter the rest randomly around the house to save time from the inevitability of losing them.
Jesus: Time for a miracle!
Puritan: Anyone who goes in water and floats is a witch
Jesus:
Puritan:
Jesus: who likes fish
Just watched my husband flick a stink bug from the ottoman and I am not okay.
How many bugs have just been relocated and not removed?!?
“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.
“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”
This girl wants to sing with me but I don’t wanna duet
Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?
Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”
Went to a humanist wedding a few weeks ago. One of the lovely things was the rings being passed round during the ceremony, allowing us all to make a wish for the couple as we held them. After, asked my son what he’d wished for. He replied, “I misunderstood & wished for a puppy.”
I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.
8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.
Bros, I have a code-red bro alrert. My wife tried the lawn mower and now she knows it’s fun af. She wants to trade chores! Help me!
Her: your SO annoying!
Me: you’re 😐
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Cool! Did you know the human body can’t feel water, only a change in temperature?
Him: no. not like that.
HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs
