Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My sister: You’re either going to die because you sassed the wrong person or petted a dog you shouldn’t have.

Me: Either way, I’m getting bitten in the face.

Siri, make me pancakes.

You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.

Her: So when you said you were going to make me happy using just your mouth…

Me: *putting down microphone* BEATBOXING IS A GIFT SARAH

Santa Claus is the omicron superspreader

I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”

My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I’m going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.

11.45: Arrived at crime scene
11.45: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11.45: Found murder weapon in drain
11.45: Realised watch was broken

Paul Walker *dies driving*

Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no

What’s that?

“It’s my pet rock.”

Why does it look sad?

DWAYNE JOHNSON: I’m hungry.

Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.

Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.

The KANYE went down to the very KANYE street to buy a new KANYE for only $KANYE dollars. “KANYE?” he asked.
– Kanye West doing a Mad Lib

Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean

Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.

me: good night darling. I’m so happy to be able to fall asleep next to you

my gf: *already rotating like a kebab to ensure maximum duvet theft*

went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me

My dog was outside barking like a maniac, so I opened the back door and screamed, “Jesus Christ! Get in the God damn house!”

Two minutes later, my husband came home and told me that our neighbors are having an Easter egg hunt…outside.
I guess I have to move now.

In hell, you have to watch my son fold laundry.

ME {waking from 250 years of cryogenic stasis}: Wh…where am I?

FUTURE-COP: You managed to survive into the distant future, where shitty jokes are punishable by death

ME: Sounds like a bunch of updog to me

FUTURE-COP: W-

Normal adult questions:
– who, what, when, where, why, how

Normal 3 year old questions:
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why

Crush: what are u doing

Me: laying in bed listening to music

Crush: nice what kind

Me: it’s memory foam

Crush: no like who’s your favorite artist

Me: Picasso

I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.

Having a backup terrible idea is crucial.

Rather than changing the clock on your oven simply cook your food an hour ago.

Him: idk, i just.. i feel like you’re trying to boil me into soup

me, throwing carrots and potatoes into a giant cauldron: babe, you sound crazy right now

It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.

However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.

My 1yo recently learned how to say “Hiiiii!” Except she pronounces it with a “D.” So every morning when I get her up the first thing she says to me in her sweet little voice: “Dieeeeee.”

Me: I’m only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time.

6-year-old: That’s good. I was tired of hearing you ask.

“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.

You can put a human being on the moon but you can’t make a button I can secretly hit on my phone to make it ring & get me out of small talk? *glare* PRIORITIES, People. Make it happen.