Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit

Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time

You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.

GOD: *holds up dinosaur* what do we call this thing
AARON: aardvark
GOD: no you’re fired
LLOYD: llama
GOD: fired
PTOBY: hang on, I got this

I just plugged the charger into my phone, in the correct hole, on the first try.

So it IS possible, guys.
IT. IS. POSSIBLE.

Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad

Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?

Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot

Me: Did you end it early?

Date: No I wanna finish this dessert

*me, getting murdered*

Wife: Could you at least let him take out the garbage first?

If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.

I love how Hello Fresh always gives me way more garlic than I need. I admire a company not afraid to take a firm stance against Dracula.

Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.

YOU (falling prey to the pathetic fallacy): The sky is angry tonight.

ME (science-loving, dispassionate): Everything is angry all the time.

Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles & pay to make my kids walk through a field to pick our own for $27.

Me: I know we haven’t known each other for long but *gets down on one knee* Will you marry me?

Priest: Actually I’m here to marry you AND your fiancé now get up people are staring

I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.

I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.

Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?

6yo: A recorder.

Me: How about a pony instead?

If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency

I hate it when people accuse me of lollygagging when i’m quite clearly dilly dallying.

why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?

me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this

[outside]

getaway driver: did he just get in line

[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]

*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice

I hate everyone in front of me at this checkout line, everyone behind me is cool.

Me: You should’ve seen this dude checking me out, I have to admit I called back to him.

Him: You called him back? Wait, that’s a bird.

Me: I didn’t say he was interested

what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom

judge: your click bait articles have been deemed fraudulent. How do you plead?

me: I’m innocent and you won’t believe why! click here

Pizza is a good argument against nihilism.

Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.

[playing the board game Guess Who]

Me: Is your person handsome?

5-year-old: No, they look like you.

I ate the last Hot Pocket and left the empty box in the freezer. I think it’s time my kids learn how that shit feels

Doing squats. And by that I mean I’m in the squat position. But really the couch is holding me up. I’m sitting on the couch.