Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.

Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.

One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.

If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”

SIGN: Do not reach hands into enclosure.

ME: *slowly starts sliding big toe towards panda*

Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.

Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.

Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.

Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine

My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.

Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it

584.

SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.

Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.

Harry Potter: A Shortened Version

Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter.

Everyone else: Lol, no.

Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.

Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.

School district says no pajamas for online classes

What are you gonna do, send them home?

Fitness Magazine:
Page 10: How to lose weight and keep it off.
Page 11: How to love yourself the way God made you.
Page 12: Dessert recipes.

Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.

Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be

Writing a letter to Santa challenging him to a duel and then just standing next to my chimney with a sword all night on Christmas Eve

This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.

Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?

I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.

[zoo]
Kid: monkeys are dumb. Why do they keep throwing poop at each other?

Me:*on my phone, leaving angry Facebook comments* I know, right?

*Joe Biden nibbles Obama’s ear*
– Please stop it
*Joe whispers* Say it
– No go away
*angrily whispers* Say it!
– …please stop Biden my ear

i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now

Doctor: Questions?

Me: How do I know if my baby is a raptor?

Him:

Me

Him: She’s a baby

Me: That’s what a raptor would want me to think.

I ran into a friend who asked how distance learning has been going with my kid. I whined about the horrorfest this morning (trying to teach 8th grade common core math.) I gave an example but my friend didn’t understand so I began explaining. Then it hit me I was teaching it AGAIN

Dear Middle School,

How about a separate science fair for kids who did their own projects?

Sincerely,
Parent Who Can’t Build A Robot