I’m watching Peppa Pig right now and I’m wondering what Papa Pig’s side hustle is that he can afford to take his whole family the Paris on a cement inspector’s salary.
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My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..
Me: How many would be the equivalent?
Salesman: Sir, I don’t think-
Me: Look, I don’t own a horse.
I have no idea how strong a horse is. Horsepower means nothing to me. What’s the pissed off cat power in this baby?
What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?
Dead animal names:
A dead fly is called a flew
A dead goose is a ghoost
A dead gnu is a gnold
A dead pig is a bacon
things I would say ALL THE TIME were I a Mysterious Widow:
-how terribly kind of you
-richard LOVED the water
-i can’t, i’m wearing gloves
There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.
Me: You could stop cutting.
*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona
When you say married… Do you mean married married… or just married?
On a phone appointment with my doctor and may have answered the “Are you currently sexually active?” question with “I’M TRYING, OKAY?”
HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me
your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost
no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents
[Invention of Tennis]
“…and you just try to hit it back to me”
Wow, that’s really simple
“Yeah, I wanted it to be very straightforward”
For sure that’s the best part about it
“Uncomplicated, you know what I mean?”
Exactly! No weird stuff
“Yeah”
So how do you keep score?
A lot of people don’t know this but Hotel sheets aren’t tucked in tight. It’s actually the bed bugs playing a lil game of tug of war with you
Me: *looking at spider in my bathroom*
Spider:
Me:
Spider:
Me: so, are we gonna do this superhero thing now or do you want me to flush you?
8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”
Do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.
“I live as a mountain man because I enjoy the isolation and I hate people. Film crews are cool though.” – Mountain Men on History Channel
I’m smart. Just not remembers how to write a cursive Z, smart.
Rock bottom is bad, but it still beats scissor bottom.
You give me that many goddamn birds for one f****** holiday and I’m grilling the shit out of them. Lemon pepper turtle doves, anyone?
Frog: WAKE ME UP!
Snake: Wake me up inside!
Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: In a mirror probably unless new technology exists.
[interviewer thinking] holy smokes he’s good
[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
you, an idiot: It’s pronounced worcestershire.
me, an intellectual and foodie: Actually, it’s pronounced worcestershire.
“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.
Me: Why are you in such a bad mood?
5-year-old: I haven’t had my coffee.
Me: You’ve never had coffee.
5-year-old: Exactly.
Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?
Human: we are an advanced species
A: how do you travel?
H: we light old dinosaurs on fire