Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving

Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band

the tv: 120 seconds until the nuke lands and ends us all

kids: oh no

wife: oh no

parents: oh no

me: *reading bagel bites package says to cook for 3 minutes* oh no NO NO

ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…

8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.

Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.

Whenever I test drive a car and the Salesman decides to come along, I lock the doors lock eyes and say “We ride together, we Die together.”

There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me

REPORTER: still feel it was a good idea to spend all $80 million of your lottery winnings on this?

ME: [using my 28 surgically added hands to pet 30 dogs at once] yes

[a 31st dog walks by]

ME: oh no

Websites: “Please choose a password with 12 characters, three symbols, no spaces, no repeated letters, and nothing you’ve used in the last 6 months.”

ATMs: “Four numbers is cool.”

Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.

I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.

I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry

Me: *pointing gun* put all the money in the bag

Him: sir this is a food bank

Me: put all the broccoli in the bag

When we first started dating, I admitted to my husband that I was a bad driver. He said “That’s nothing, I saw a crazy lady run an 18-wheeler off the road yesterday. Poor guy was struggling for his life trying to keep the rig from flipping over.” It was me. I was the crazy lady.

wife: how did the poetry slam go?

me: *taping my glasses back together * better

I never eat breakfast at home, but when on vacation I go out for breakfast every day and am like “YES I’D LIKE THE STARVING LUMBERJACK GUTBUSTER PLATTER AND A SIDE PILE OF BACON.”

good morning to everyone except the people who make TV shows that include critical dialogue being messaged between characters which is nearly impossible for the viewers to read

You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?

That.

Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape

Pepper spray but with glitter in it lol

Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.

If I was Juliet I would of said something more like this: Romeo , Romeo! Wherefore art my pizza, Romeo!?

MAN: I’ll get pasta & she’ll have the salad

COW: What’s that mean?

MAN: Uh-

COW: I’m fat?

MAN: … You’re a cow?

PIG AT NEXT TABLE: Ooo

My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete

The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”

Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.

I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.

Me, bright eyed, eager to follow the rules:
should I remove my necklace?

TSA agent: … what… is it.

Me, smiling hard, too awake, excited to share:
It’s a tiny harmonica!

TSA agent:
*closes eyes for a long time, her weariness meant for an entire generation.* JUST GO.

Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don’t count

Prisoner:*strapped into chair* Flip the switch & fry me.
Guard: Oh, we’re not electrocuting you…
*college kid w/ acoustic guitar walks in*

[stays up all night examining my issues and identifying which descriptors best express my feelings of dysregulation]

the second i get to therapy:
idk I just feel blah