I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.
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I guess his other shirt, “Build the wall or I’ll gargle your balls” was at the drycleaners
It’s so rude how nobody has fallen madly in love with me today
you will never know the true number of layers
manure salesmen ask ”do you want flies with that?”
ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.
[first day as a billionaire]
Me: I’ll take 300 egg mcmuffins and a small cup of your finest coke zero
I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me
As a 14 yr old in the 80s updates about emergency school closures were phoned in to the local radio stations. There was no verification on your identity and the notice was read out in good faith. So staff & pupils can thank me for the extra snow day off in 1980. You’re welcome.
[first day on bomb squad]
blue red yada yada yada i get the gist
Morning my dudes.
[dinner time]
me: what would you like to stare at for twenty minutes and then throw away?
kids: whatever’s the most difficult to make
“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”
My dog:
Why would I want to talk to your baby? On the phone. It’s a baby. If I wanted to hear random noises when I talk, I have a husband for that.
I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.
Relationship status:
I’ve put my ear hair in braids.
Get at me.
You: Where’s Carl?
Me: That fool done gone and lost his mind
You: Thats too bad. What’s for dinner?
Me: Funny you should ask
Ok, so we’ve already made them resistant to reason and with an absolute disregard for their own safety. But what if we, and now hear me out, also made them incredibly fast?
—God, creating toddlers
Avengers Endgame and the Battle of Winterfell coming out the same weekend is like when your history teacher and your English teacher both assigned papers due the same day except instead of homework it’s emotional labor
You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?
That.
cat owners will hear their cat go “prrrp” in a certain tone and be like “oh one second my cat wants the heating pad turned on”
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok I’ll get him a little towel
Me: Have you seen my bedroom trash bin?
Teen: The small one?
Me: Yes.
Teen: Made of wicker?
Me: Yes!
Teen: Dark?
Me: Yes!!
Teen: No.
[at the playground]
“Welcome to Swingers Club. Sorry if you thought this was about spouse-swapping. Now who wants to give me a push?”
[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad:
Whoever is stealing my socks – at least take both of them
It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.
He isn’t credited for it but John C. McGinley competed on American Gladiators. There is no point in sharing this other than it being cool as hell.
I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.
Here are 5 things you should know about me:
1. I’m very secretive