I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.
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Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.
i love treating twitter as my diary. this is my zoo enclosure and my followers are the tourists watching me eat hay
Sometimes I type a ‘C’ when I meant to type an ‘A’. And now I have to apologize to my ‘Aunt’
Me: I’m a solid eight
Friend: Wow. Out of ten?
Me: What lol god no
just having fun
My husband texted me from Costco to let me know there was a long line & I think he was looking for me to say “don’t worry about it, just come home” but instead I said “don’t forget the ice.”
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.
I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.
When you smile the whole world wonders what’s wrong with you.
Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.
When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines
Delicious sardines
I was trying to throw out one of the 3 year old’s toys because he hadn’t touched it in a year.
Faced with the loss he suddenly decided his neglected toy was everything and he couldn’t live without it and totally lost his mind and…
ahh beans, he’s inherited my break up angst.
There’s always someone who says “must be nice” when they hear a coworker is off from work and like…my guy, you know you can take days off too right?
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
Widow: did he say anything before he passed?
Me: *tearing up* he just said “tell Sheila i love her”
Widow: who the hell is Sheila?
*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers
I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.
Fun Fact:
Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.
Thousands of people are attacked by sea creatures every year. We at BP are dedicated to bringing that number down. You’re welcome!
Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?
Me: *mouths I love you*
Him:
M: *blows kiss*
H:
M: *adjusts my pajama top*
H: *empties the can & hops onto the side of the garbage truck*
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are really starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
Me (standing on top of my kitchen island): I CANT SWIM!!!!
“Daddy, how are babies made?”
“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”
It’s kinda neat how every chick you reply to is into celibacy
*goes produce shopping*
Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.*minds peas & queues*
When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.
What do you want him to do?
Fry yam?
If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.