Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

in addition to “block” and “report” there should be a button that tells the user’s mom what they’ve been posting

me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*

Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING

Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.

Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.

Gazing at nature’s majesty, I am one with the woods. This is where I belong, I muse as I’m drilled with a paintball and promptly eliminated

*Rolls window down*
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is it because I’m literally running down the street pretending to be a car?

I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid

This is painfully accurate 😅

I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.

Saw an article on Facebook that a local bank was robbed. It had one like. They should probably look at that person as the robbery suspect.

Mad Max: Furry Road

Me:

Mime:

Me: You don’t say!

My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…

I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?

everyone’s allowed one idiotic business idea, and this is mine: a high-end restaurant for chewing gum. we manufacture many of our own gums in-house, but we also offer rare and vintage varieties. you want gatorgum, the gatorade gum from 1992? it’s part of tonight’s $155 prix fixe

When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.

I’m behind 38 episodes of Game of Thrones. I’ll just jump in the new season and piece it all together. Should be fine.

the real victims in all of this are those of us who like to take soup in museums to have a nice snack and now will be regarded with hostility and suspicion — or worse!

*holding banana up to my ear as if it’s a phone*
haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i’m n-*banana rings* oh crap

My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.

It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?

It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.

It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.

I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.

my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay

Hear me out….

A pub crawl, but to bakeries.

Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.

When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.

13: My English teacher wants us to write in a journal every day

Me: What have you written so far?

13: “I don’t want to write a journal, & I don’t like Quarantine Chicken Surprise.”

M: Good opener.

My 7YO: (eats a triple ice cream cone, rides a pony, swims with dolphins, gets a new video game) mom, can I have this candy car?

Me: Wait til after dinner

Him: THIS IS THE WORST DAY EVER!