I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.
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*catcher puts 1 finger down*
*pitcher shakes head*
*puts 2 fingers down*
*nods*
(catcher to umpire)
“can we take a break? he has to poop”
Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
Comedians: if you’re not offending someone you’re not doing comedy right
Mitch Hedberg: I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographers fault and that’s extra scary to me because there’s a large out of focus monster roaming the countryside
This was my dad’s browser history.
A polite way to signal to your guests that it’s time to leave is to start the dishwasher, turn off all the lights, and go brush your teeth.
Not to brag, but I think I’d make a good poster child for population control
How to start a diet:
1. Do it tomorrow
2. Wake up and repeat step 1
Me buying fruit and veg
My haters can’t stand that instead of a sink I just have a drawer full of water
LOIS LANE: here i got you these contacts so you don’t have to wear glasses anymore
CLARK KENT: *nervous sweating*
Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
Men go to bars for 2 reasons:
1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.
2) They have a wife to go home to.
One time someone broke up with me 26 hours after getting their first pair of glasses.
Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!
*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*
Time to seize the day.
Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?
If you watch the Fast & Furious series in reverse, it’s about tough guys who have a change of heart and return stolen cars and decide to scale back their dangerous stunts to more sensible, low-budget ones and they all become youthful and more relaxed because of the lowered stress
It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.
Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.
My husband accused me of not being affectionate, so I kissed the FedEx guy.
When driving: *shakes fist at pedestrians*
When walking: *shakes fist at motorists*
When running: *shakes fist at the murderer chasing me*
Everything becomes normal eventually. Think of the most beautiful spot on earth, the place you would give your left arm to see just once before you die. There’s a tour guide who works there, and he wakes up every morning thinking, “Oh god, not this shit again.”
My husband made me mad so I sent him to a store that closed a year ago to buy something they stopped making two years ago
I’m uncomfortable with flirting. I never know at what point I show the guy I’m able to put my entire fist in my mouth.
FIRST KID: I’d rather not medicate her.
SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN: *Googles, “How much Benadryl will make her sleep for three days straight?”*
Telling my boss I wasn’t drunk at work really backfired. I probably should have waited until he asked.
son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*
Twitter is the only place where it’s actually BORING to discover that you are being followed by hundreds of robots.