I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.
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I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.
God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”
Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.
M: a Bloody Mary with no celery, olives or tomato juice, but add extra bacon
Waiter:
H: She wants a plate of bacon and a shot of vodka.
*searches through desk for granola bar, can’t find it*
OK WHO STOLE MY *remembers eating granola bar yesterday* HEART? ALL OF YOU, THAT’S WHO.
[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”
Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
If someone steals your joke, you have to file a LOLsuit
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
[ IDEA ]
An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up
When I hear my kids try to insult each other with “yo momma” jokes, I end up yelling how I’m not fat or stupid.
I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”
me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff
wife: where’s the baby
Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!
gotta say i disagree with this strategy by the cowboys of never gaining any positive yards but i’m no pro football coach so maybe the cowboys know something i don’t
my cousin’s baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like “im here lol. from baby”
*opens door*
Stop screaming!
*opens door*
What broke?!
*opens door*
Just wait until I get out there!!
~parenting from the bathroom
My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*
wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
Meanwhile, in Facebook,
Greta, who dislikes the gays, is about to get a big surprise from her son and his “roommate” of 20 years.
Women have all the answers to all your questions.
And you don’t even have to ask.
You are right, 27 is “just a number” but I’m looking for a man, not a boy.
No offense.
PS: Save my number… just in case I change my mind.
I’m so stoned…….. It took me three tries to turn out the bathroom light.
Turns out the toilet flush handle does not control the lights.
I’m not sure what everyone at my coworking space does for work, but I’m pretty sure one guy’s job is chewing.
i was negotiating with a big but troublesome customer once about a project they wanted us to give them a schedule for without any sort of financial commitment. after a few back and forths where they weren’t getting what they wanted, they tried a new tack:
“well let’s pretend we give you guys the go ahead. what would the release date be then?”
me: “well in that case we’d pretend to give you a release date.”
there was a few moments of silence. i wasn’t invited back to future calls.
My wife: where are the Cheetos?
Me:
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
What the FU..
Wrong car
(I have a master’s degree)
Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.
Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.
I waitress because if I don’t get screamed at twice a day about condiments, I don’t feel like I have put in an honest days work.
Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!
Mom: *sends food emojis*